All Dressed Up With Nowhere To Go

There comes a time in everyone's life where they put childish things aside and grow up. Where stagnant relationships with no future lack luster, and friendships with people who will not enrich your life become intolerable. I am only 24, but I have already started my settle down phase. I no longer desire to party at bars/clubs. I've lost the desire to wear revealing clothing. And I've found that I'd rather go without than to settle for casual sex & empty men. I haven't even tweeted anything that could be perceived as inappropriate for months. I have grown, matured, and changed so much in the past year. I put God and my family first. I am a devoted and dependable friend, and I treat others how I would like to be treated. I have had some accomplishments along the way as well, that I am super proud of. I have not had any children, in or out of wedlock. I have completed my Bachelor's degree, and will be starting my Masters in just a few weeks. I know what I want to be (Marriage Counselor with a specialization in Sex Therapy). I have a good job, that though I don't absolutely love it, I do my best at it. I have decided that I want to give back and volunteer with youth via Big Brothers, Big Sisters. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't use any drugs (unless aspirin counts lol). I have my own car that I pay for along with all of my other bills. I am emotionally prepared for love & a partnership. I have the maturity necessary to do things right. Communication, understanding, compromise, and most of all the desire to fight. Not to fight each other, but to fight for my relationship and for my other half. I am ready for the serious relationship that results in marriage. I'm ready for being with one person for the rest of my days. I've had my fun, I've lived it up. I have experienced what I've wanted to experience as a single woman. Anything left, I can experience with my mate. Whether its travel, new hobbies, etc...we could share those new experiences together and make memories. I'm ready for children, the house, the white picket fence. I'm ready. The problem? I'm all dressed up with nowhere to go. Men from my past & present share the same sentiment: "You're an amazing woman, I want to marry you & have children with you one day, BUT...not now. I'm not ready." In this society, it is truly the ppl that are bad for you...that you are drawn to. But, as you mature...you see that there is no stability or predictability with those types. I am in a place where I have decided that if you aren't ready, step out of the way so that someone that is can escort me to my destination. There is no gratification in being someone's back up plan. I know what I have to offer, and if you are intimidated bc you don't think that you are good enough for me...or that you don't deserve me, I understand. I can respect a man for that honesty & move forward without any ill feelings. But, if you're questioning my worth, you will lose. Bc, to think that I'll wait around while you figure it out, is another story altogether. I plan to be long gone by the time you have that epiphany. A good woman knows her value, and always knows when to leave. After my last relationship, I have truly realized my worth. This type of self-awareness is what will help me decipher the bullshitters/time wasters, from the stayers/future builders. 2012 doesn't look any more promising than any other year, but I will say that I am secure being alone. I don't mind being ready & left to wait. Even if he keeps me waiting, he's still on time...bc he's on God's time. All of these experiences are better molding me for him. So, that I can be the best wife that I can be to him, and the best mother to our children. So until he comes into my life, I'm prom night fresh and waiting by the door. I'm ready!

Objects In Mirror Closer Than They Appear

Wow! Who knew that the past was so close! Only made it two months: one month (dating) & one month (officially in a relationship) before the big guy upstairs blew the whistle. I must admit that I'm pretty hurt about it. Despite the short length of our relationship, I truly love him. Even still I have no ill feelings towards him, I want good things for him, and I want him to truly find happiness. It sucks that it's not with me, but hey...what can you do? I didn't know how to be in a relationship, first of all, bc I had been single for almost 4 years. He was accustomed to relationships with ppl that were more laid back than me. So, though the courtship was wonderful and swept me off of my feet...there came a time where it subsided. Where the sweet nothings just became plain ol nothing. I didn't know what to do to fix things except complain. Complaining led to disagreements, and feelings of inadequacy on his part. Another obstacle that added to our demise was my inability to provide him with the space and freedom he needed. I love him, so of course I wanted to spend as much time as we both could together, but he missed his friends and the ability to come and go as he pleased. Both of us are good people, and would probably make great boyfriends and girlfriends to other ppl, but as for us being together...it could never have worked as it is now. As sad as I feel, especially things ending so close to Christmas time, I can say that all is not lost. I have not left this relationship empty handed. I have so much that I have learned in this short period of time:

1. You cannot jump into a relationship quickly if you have trust issues. It is unfair to your partner, and will make your issues harder to deal with because now you are faced with trusting someone as you are getting to know them; basically trying to trust a perfect stranger.

2. You cannot expect someone to not see friends or go out just bc they are now in a relationship with you, that's where trust comes in.

3. You cannot try to control someone in an effort to prevent them from cheating on you. If someone wants to cheat on you, they will find a way. Plus, why wouldn't you want someone that you felt comfortable trusting? Why put yourself through the worry & grief?

4. Never give too much of yourself too early. Moderation is the key. If you give in increments, there is less to lose than to give everything at once.

5. Never beg anybody to give you attention or put you first. That is something that someone has to do willingly. If they cannot prioritize you, they are not ready for a serious relationship with you.

6. Never end a relationship out of anger. Bc even if your reasons for ending things are legitimate, you may regret it when you've cooled down.

7. And last, but not least, never tell someone of the commonalities that they share with an ex. Comparing dooms the relationship before its even started. They are an ex, bc they're no longer in the picture. Leave the past in the past.

So, like I said...definitely richer for the experience, will always love him, and I hope that we can one day be the best of friends. Til then I look forward to watching funny breakup movies like Forgetting Sarah Marshall and spending time with my girlfriends. I'm in no rush to move on. I plan to date, but I'm in no shape to be pursuing anything serious, right now. Who knows, if we maintain a friendship...maybe in a few years we could revisit the possibility of us. After we've had experiences with other people and done some growing. Only God knows. :)

Reality Check

This blog is a result of reality smacking me hard, right in the face. When I imagined love, I imagined a relationship with a man without flaws, that always understood me, and never hurt me. I imagined him to always know what to say, and when to say it. No disagreements, no different perspectives, no turbulence at all. I always thought that if any of that existed, the relationship was not one that would last. In the past month that I've been in my current relationship, everything has changed. Not for the worst, necessarily, but, it has changed. You can't be all sweet and polite forever I guess, so then the real comes. Everything from ex gf drama to trust issues and one person needing more space than the other. It's nothing like I imagined, and that makes it hard for me. I imagined that with the right person, there would be no problems. EVER. But, that was foolish of me to believe. Every couple has things that they cannot agree on. Every couple has to deal with exes of some sort (unless you're in Kindergarten or a virgin lol), and everyone has their own set of walls built and baggage. It's up to you as a couple how you handle it. Of course it may hurt that you want to spend every waking moment with someone, and that they don't feel the same; but, that's life. Everyone is entitled to their own level of comfort. Compromise is the key to happiness. Communicating and finding a happy medium with which both people are ok with. Also, it's important to remember that no one is perfect. Everyone, including you, is flawed. So, an obstacle that I had to encounter, that brought me back to reality, was that just because he can't read my mind, doesn't mean he is disqualified from being "The One". Granted, one month into a relationship isn't really the usual time that a couple encounters speed bumps, but I say better now than later. Better to face those obstacles now, and mold your communication skills early. Learn how each of you handles issues, and resolve them. This can eventually bring you closer. What I'm realizing is that since there is no chance at finding Mr. Perfect (because he doesn't exist), I need to focus on Mr. Perfect For Me. The hardest thing for me to come to terms with was that a disagreement didn't necessarily mean that a relationship was not salvageable. At the start of a disagreement I would think, "oh no! Does this mean that we have to end it?" Now, I'm starting to see that it's normal and that it doesn't mean that the relationship is a failure. There are going to be things that need to be brought up in order to ensure that everyone is getting what they need from the relationship, but nit picking and complaining constantly will just make your partner feel bad, resent you, and stop listening. In order to have a positive flow of communication, you have to pick your battles. Always having something negative to say, only puts a further strain on your relationship. So any criticism should be constructive and not meant to place blame or cause hurt. In conclusion: problems are going to arise in even the best relationship, people are going to disagree even if they like each other a whole lot, and people are going to have different needs than yours that also need to be met in order for them to be happy. I've learned a lot in this short period of time. I wonder what I'll learn next month. Lol.

An Alternate Form of Genocide: Eugenics

As I was on the MSN home page, an
article popped up about involuntary sterilization in North Carolina. Of course the headline alone got my attention. I click the link (http://rockcenter.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/11/07/8640744-victims-speak-out-about-north-carolina-sterilization-program-which-targeted-women-young-girls-and-blacks) and find one of the most disturbing stories that I have ever laid eyes on. Let me summarize the story of Elaine Riddick: she was 13, got raped...and as a result the state sterilized her without her knowledge. Their reasoning? She was "promiscuous" and "feeble minded". Oh yeah, and that she didn't "get along with her peers". What kind of bull shit is that?! Really? Like you are not even going to have the decency to tell someone that you sterilized them. The only child that she has, is the one that she had as a result of being raped. The saddest part of this story is that she is one of many. There was actually a Eugenics board in NC that decided who was to be sterilized and who wasn't. Eugenics, as explained on the link, is the idea that some people are just not fit to reproduce; because of certain traits that they possess that were believed to be inherited. Who the Hell are they to play God? Ruining the lives of these young women and men (mostly black, and poor). What does it benefit society to deprive someone of the right to have children? That is a right given to us by God, and should only be taken away by that same source. What kind of world do we live in where the rich feel empowered to single-handedly exterminate a whole race or social class of people? Especially, on the basis of "poverty, promiscuity, and alcoholism" being hereditary. It seems as though, the people in power are always looking for ways to diminish the weaker group. It happened during WWII with the Jews in the concentration camps, it is constantly happening in Africa (Sudan, Rwanda, etc), and now in our backyard? Well, let me correct myself...it's always been in our backyard. The KKK and other hateful groups boasted patriotism as they murdered and terrorized people based on race. But, I guess we thought that it was behind us. What bothers me the most about this situation, is that even though the Eugenics board in NC was dismantled in 1977; they continued to do involuntary sterilization LEGALLY until 2003. Really?! This is inexcusable behavior and a blatant hatred for your fellow man. At the end of the day we all bleed red, and feel pain, why is race and social class that threatening? Don't these people have a conscience? By robbing these folks of the experience of conceiving and birthing their own child, there is nothing that can be done to repair the damages. Even if the people responsible were to be put to death, it doesn't mean that there won't be another deplorable instance in the future. "Humans are the only species that kill their own kind." Think on that and let that marinate. I pray for those that had to go through this devastating experience, and for those that committed this atrocity.

Love Lives

I remember a time in my youth, where my innocence lead me to believe that all love was pure. I believed that all love was filled with good intent, that everyone was trustworthy, and that love was everlasting. Then, I met man after man that convinced me that love only hurts. I had yet to see a love that was positive. I had yet to see the kind of love that brought two people together for a lifetime. The kind of love that comes out of nowhere and lasts the test of time. The kind of love that songs and poems are written about. True love. I am living in that moment. In the beginning stages of an amazing love. Even now, in the earliest of the stages...I am already convinced that love lives. He has renewed my belief in it. This man is the type of man that I thought only existed in my dreams. He is beyond good to me, and treats me like a queen. The look of adoration and admiration that he gives me, takes my breath away. The thought of him, and how long that I've waited for him...makes my eyes brim with tears. He is everything that I could ever want in a man. God made him specifically for me. After, waiting 4 years and sifting through the assholes...I can see why nothing ever worked out with them. It is because God had this man perfectly designed and waiting for me. I can honestly say without a doubt that he was worth the bullshit I experienced, and the wait. I would have waited 50 years for this amazing man. I'm just glad that God didn't make me wait that long. This man...is the type of man that is so great, that I wish every woman could be lucky enough to meet someone like him. This monumental man, has me correcting my sistahs that say that "niggas ain't shit". I tell them, not all men are like that. Because, I know that my baby is nothing like those men, and if a man like him exists...there must be others. I am so blessed to have him in my life, and I hope that he stays in it forever. Today I was singing, and my dad said, "someone is happy! I haven't heard you singing in a long time." That's the effect that he has on me. Only God could have sent someone so great to me. I thank Him everyday for him. I remember in my past relationship constantly reminding my ex how lucky he was to have me, now I find myself constantly telling my baby how lucky I am to have him. I see that I had to grow up and change for the better, to truly appreciate this man. Had I not been dragged through the mud, I wouldn't have appreciated the shower and change of clothes. ;) God is good.

Walking On Ice

Why is it that sometimes dating can feel like you are walking on ice? I see myself as an independent woman, that can do for herself and is fine being alone. But, once someone special comes along...something inside changes. I feel like they become my world. My mood depends on if I've heard from them/seen them that day. I miss them, and wonder what they are up to...the usual. But, the part that I don't think is normal...is that I constantly worry that they will leave me. Why do I have these abandonment issues? Must be a result of the past pain I've endured when I have let someone in emotionally. I have yet to discover what it is about me that scares people away once I fall. Maybe they weren't ready, maybe I changed, maybe it's something else altogether. Either way, as I fall...I feel as though I am walking on thin ice. Like at any moment, I could lose this person. After being single for so long, I have lost confidence in my ability to keep a man and to secure a relationship with one. I get scared that I'll let my walls down, be myself, and end up alone again. Which isn't the worst thing in the world...but, to be alone after knowing what it feels like to be with someone else is a difficult adjustment. I feel myself getting anxious as we get closer. Feeling controlling. Not wanting my love interest to go out, wanting them to constantly check in. All of this is going on behind the scenes in my head, and the guy has no idea. But, the question is why am I so insecure? I have many qualities, and feel as though I am a great catch...so why do I fear so greatly that he won't notice? Probably, because the past is such a hard thing to get past. I have seen someone go from thinking that I am the best thing since sliced bread, to not giving a fuck about me and hanging up the phone in my ear. That decline was more devastating than the relationship itself ending. When you think someone is sooooo amazing, you fear that someone else will come along and take them away from you. The thought alone of losing this person that you've waited so long for...saddens me deeply. How am I supposed to feel safe leaving a $100 bill on the ground? It's value is obvious to all that see it, and the chance that they'll want to pick it up for themselves is high. I don't like feeling like everyone is out to get me. I also, don't like feeling jealous and possesive unnecessarily. I just pray that God takes this insecurity away from me and instead gives me a feeling of peace. Peace of mind in knowing that if God has this man in mind for me, he will only be for me. I won't worry myself about if he will lose interest, find someone better, or even if he cheats when we do get together. I need to realize that I myself am a $100 bill too, and that perhaps he is equally afraid to lose me. He just happens to trust me. Trust is a funny thing...you trust too many people and you're naive and susceptible to hurt....you trust too few people, you are paranoid. Where is the middle ground? So, far actions have spoken louder than words...and they say that he only wants me. Maybe I'm not walking on ice. Maybe I am walking on layers and layers of glass. A secure foundation for me to walk on firmly and surely.

Can a cheater change?

How much responsibility can someone take in cheating? With new diagnoses like "sex addiction" and other impulsive mental illnesses...how much responsibility can someone take for their actions? And how do you know that they won't repeat their actions. I've been in relationships where I thought someone was cheating...it was never proven...but, the thought alone drove me insane. How do you not allow that to carry over into a new relationship? If someone tells you that they've cheated in past relationships, regardless of the reason, is it believable that they could change? What if they can't trust themselves? What do you do then? I've been in a situation before where I was the guilty party, and I've been in a situation where I was the victim...situations where a guy got caught, and his gf (that I didn't even know about) called me...with all this in my rear view, it leaves me with so many questions. Is cheating an addiction that cannot be changed or is it just an excuse? I went a year without drinking, on two different occasions. I love to drink, but with the right mindset I was able to abstain...but, only for so long. Peer pressure, the genuine desire for it, and feeling like I was missing something...brought me back. I've decided to only drink on special occasions, in order to avoid any bad decisions that could be a product of over-indulging. But, back to cheating...can cheating be like drinking? You can change if you have a strong will, and genuinely want to...but, if not...it's just a matter of time before you repeat your offense. In my case, I only cheated on one person...it was the person that I was with the longest. That causes fears in me. Like, could it be that I only cheated on him bc of specific factors (unhappiness,long distance,distrust,lack of respect), or that I just can't be with one person for long? I want to believe that I can be honest, faithful, and true...but, this one incident of indiscretion has greatly affected my sense of confidence in my ability to do that. I think that with the right person, even the worst cheater could be faithful. But, in the same breath...it would be hard for me to trust someone else that's cheated in the past. But, just as someone that has never cheated has the ability to start, someone that has also has the ability to stop. Fuck it! I'm ready. I know that after four years, I'm older and wiser. I believe in my heart, that I won't repeat those same mistakes. I saw how the relationship turned for the worst afterwards. I don't ever want to hurt or be hurt like that again. I now see that faithfulness is a decision. You decide to be with one person. If, I find myself unable to maintain that, I promise to just walk away from the relationship all together. I am writing this with a stuffy/runny nose lol...so it may sound like it's all over the place. Just thinking out loud.

New song by Melanie Fiona on the same subject:

Cuff & Book Me

I love me some hip hop/rap...but, my true love is r&b. I especially, love neo-soul music. I was listening to my iPod, as I drove into work today and India Arie's "Ready For Love" came on. I love India, I feel like most of her songs have a wonderful message; but this one in particular stuck with me. The opening verse says, "I am ready for love, why are you hiding from me? I'd quickly give my freedom, to be held in your captivity." Wow! Take a moment to absorb what this woman is saying. She is using a metaphor to describe the loss of freedom, that is entering a committed relationship. That is soooooo deep! I am a romantic at heart, and am fascinated by the idea of love. But, the thought of a committed relationship terrifies me. To give up access to every other option; and to be content with the one you chose. That is a scary decision, and not one to be takenly lightly. However, as scary as it is...love is something that all of us want. To finally meet someone worth giving up the life of complete autonomy? THAT is beautiful! I've gotten to the point in my life, where I have achieved the realization that is...long lasting relationships cannot be formed without a concrete friendship as their foundation. So, I find myself preferring the friend route to the whirlwind romances. If things progress, wonderful! If not, you have a good friend of the opposite sex that you can learn many things from. Because with those whirlwind romances, it is all chemical. You have lust playing a factor in your decisions, and also infatuation. You really don't even know this person that you are fabricating these seemingly strong feelings for. To rush into a committment with a stranger is completely foolish and how so many people end up realizing too late, that what they had wasn't real. I feel as though, when it's right...I will feel it. I will slowly get to know them, study them, and then make my decision. I won't feel like I'm standing on a cliff with them, unsure of whether to jump or not. I will feel like India, I'll be sure that I want to take it to the next level with them. I will happily extend both arms and say, lock me up! I gladly give up my freedom, because I will know in my heart...that you won't mistreat me. That's love.

Here's the link for the video:

Oh Helllllllll Naw!

Let me start by saying that "Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten". That is a statistic, among many others, that I found on http://domesticviolencestatistics.org/domestic-violence-statistics/. Now, as many assholes that I've dated...they've NEVER talked crazy to me or put their hands on me. (Thank God for that!) I cannot understand for the life of me, what could motivate someone to stay with someone that does not treat them well. In the past, my complaints with men, were mostly concerning their lack of caring. They didn't care enough to keep dates, or they didn't care that I was sad and crying, they just plain didn't give a fuck. But, I have never had a man demean me by calling me names or belittling me (unless of course I cut him off, but that's to be expected...its freakin over at that point). But, to go to the next level and put your hands on a woman? I've met women that say they are strong women...and that they were just taken by surprise when their mate did lash out...and that they genuinely believed that it was a one time thing or even that they could change. My father, isn't a big man...he's about 145, about 5'7", and he has never even raised his voice to my mother. He respects her. Growing up in a household, where your parents love each other and speak to each other with that level of respect; you come to expect that same decency from someone that you date. I was discussing this with a friend, a little while ago, concerning her ex. She said that her ex, always talked down to her...and made her feel dumb. Then I asked her, has he ever hit you? She said no. I asked her again, did he ever hit you? She said...no, but he has picked me up and thrown me. WTF?! Ladies...does picking u up and throwing u not constitute as abuse? I don't even feel like verbal abuse is excusable. If a man will yell at you, or call you names...what's to say that one day he won't escalate and put hands on you? Just like any other person...if a woman was to get in your face and yell at you...you'd feel threatened right? Your heart would start pounding, and you would go into fight or flight mode. You should never feel that way with a lover. Lover = the polar opposite of fighter, remember that. There has to be a level low self-esteem, or lack of self-worth in a woman that allows herself to be mistreated. I know a woman in particular that said, "never say never". I don't think that's a fair statement. Just because you allowed a man to mishandle you, does not mean every woman would. You are supposed to love yourself more than any of these men out here...and if you don't hell yeah you're going to get your ass beat and stick around. You don't think that you're worthy of love and honor anyway. Take a second and reevaluate yourself. If you have been a victim of domestic violence and stayed, what message are you sending? It's ok for you to mistreat/abuse me, I am willing to stay if it happens again, and I love you more than I love myself. Completely unacceptable. As a woman, you need to have standards in place, of things that you will tolerate and will NOT tolerate; prior to entering a relationship. My one girl said, she was okay with yelling or arguing, as long as it didn't get physical. No! That is not okay. Now don't get me wrong, every couple is going to disagree sometime...but, to get loud with each other and in each other's face? Definitely unacceptable. IF I treat you with kindness, understanding, and respect...I expect the same treatment, if not better, from you. If you know how to communicate with each other respectfully, there should be no reason for things to get physical. Now, some women...y'all be asking for an ass whooping, and y'all know who you are. Do NOT get in a man's face, don't push him, don't call him names for NOT hitting you (ex: you not gon hit me, bc you're a punk ass bitch.), just don't provoke him period. If you provoke anyone, eventually you will get a reaction. I personally don't feel sorry for someone that pushes someone to hit them. You fuckin asked for the shit, and if you stick around after you get it...you're a dumb ass bitch. Point blank period. You need to get your self-worth, esteem, and self-respect together. Now, there is also the group of women that are not the stereotype of the slick talking woman, that nags & nags, and tries to face off with a man. These women, genuinely don't see the abuse coming. The man flips over something small, (for ex: she overcooked his eggs, not burnt, but more cooked than he wanted them) and he goes off. Yeah, you didn't provoke it, but you still have the control. It's up to you whether you accept the phony apology and gifts, or leave him alone and find someone better. Abusive men like to rush relationships. Why? Plain and simple...they can't be nice for too long, so they rush into relationships or marriage. Also, abusive men like to have you move in with them or to a state/country where you don't have a support system (friends/family). That way, they can have you to themselves...and can control you as they please. Also, abusive men...show signs way before they ever get to the point of hurting you. An abusive man is easily angered. He gets overly upset when he can't reach you, or when you are busy. An abusive man does not like when you are opinionated, or disagree with him. He makes comments that infer that he is better than you, smarter than you, and is obnoxious about it. Sadly, more times than not, abusive men never change...so your best bet is to leave that fool and work on you. I pray to God that I am never in this situation, but woman to woman...you should never let a man treat you in a disrespectful manner. You have more power over that than you think.

This song describes what I'd have to do, if a man were ever that stupid:

How quickly we forget...

As I sat at work tonight, I reminisced over the men that I have dated in the year that I have lived in Denver and found myself remembering them fondly. I genuinely cared about each of the men that I had mini-romances with. From the one in Green Valley Ranch that introduced me to Blackhawk, and took me on my first few dates in Denver. The one, that lived out in Westminster and made passionate love to me for hours. The one, that I especially cared for, that showed me loving, tenderness and introduced me to new heights of adventurous sex (outdoor jacuzzi, pool chair, backseat of his cadillac, etc). Then, last, but not least...the one that was always happy to hear from me & always available to see me. They ALL made me so happy, until they didn't. I guess that's how it is though. But, now that I've taken the time away from dating (2 & 1/2 months roughly), I can finally focus on myself and accomplishing the goals that I want to reach in the near future. In order, for me to move forward in a positive direction, for when I do decide to revisit dating; I must re-evaluate these past relationships and decipher where I mis-stepped. What did I do wrong, that these relationships all went south or never progressed to begin with? I understand, that a lot of women blame the men...but, I'm sure that my own pride, distrust, insensitivity, and demanding nature played a part in it. Also, it is I that chose to date these men & take them back, even when at times they did not deserve it. All in the spirit of being fair and understanding. But, sometimes by being fair to someone else, you are not being fair to yourself. When looking back, instead of focusing on why I ended things; I consider, instead, their positives and end up taking them back. Which as you can probably guess, only resulted in a similar ending. Funny, how quickly we forget.