Love Induced PTSD

Sooo...I was just on Twitter when RevRunWisdom tweeted "Ladies::: If want a mate.. Don't build walls,, Build bridges.." That is so much easier said than done. It is not that easy to forget the pain you've suffered. I am shell-shocked! So its only natural that I have my defenses up. It is so much easier to scare people away, and cut them off at the first red flag than it is to truly let yourself fall for someone. I am afraid. I am not ashamed to say it. I am afraid to relive the near death I felt when my last relationship ended. I am scared to love someone and have them hurt me. To lay in bed crying, and wake up everyday feeling like throwing up. It took a lot of strength to get over it, I don't think that I have it in me to go through it again. I don't deserve it!

No woman deserves it. So it is only natural that we build up our defenses in order to protect our hearts. What is wrong with a woman wanting to be secure in a man/romantic situation before she gives a man her heart? Isn't that the way it should be? I don't want to be misunderstood, I am not saying that a woman should punish every single man for the mistakes of other, but she must be cautious. Most dogs have the same ol' tricks...I feel as though the right man will be able to break through those walls and rebuild them around the both of you.

Working-Mom=Oxymoron?

My cousin Rahwa and I were discussing children yesterday while eating at Chili's. I told her that I had an epiphany...I don't really like the idea of having children. The older I get, the less I feel a desire to follow norms and become a mother. I told her that all I am thinking about is my career and that I don't see children fitting into my overall lifeplan. I think its ignorant of people to call a person selfish for not wanting to have children. It is a personal choice, and has nothing to do with anyone but the couple. Who am I hurting by not wanting to have children? Exactly! No one. I plan to accelerate in my career once I complete my education. I do not want to be a housewife, I did not go to school, and take out all those loans, to just sit at home and change diapers all day. I guess some people will not be able to understand my point of view, because it is seemingly unnatural to not want children, seeing as we were put on this earth to be fruitful and multipy. But, I do not want to have a child as a compromise to my husband (if I even get married) and then live to regret it. Being a parent is a full-time job in its self. I do not want to bring a child into this world if I cannot give them the same love and attention that my parents gave me growing up. I want to be able to travel & see the world without worrying. I want to come home to peace and quiet after a long work day. This may just be a phase, so I cannot say this is my final decision. My cousin Rahwa said to me how she can't even imagine herself as a mother, because she can't even imagine herself married. I agree. I feel as though, to see myself in that situation. I need to actually be in a committed relationship that is stable financially and emotionally. I definitely love babies, they are cute as a button...but to have one full-time? And how about the fact that they grow up and start talking...

Lingerie: Sexy or Skanky?

Lingerie. It is feminine, soft, and makes a woman feel sexy. Lingerie signifies every good girl's *naughty side*. Many women's magazines encourage women to wear lingerie. These magazines (eg: Glamour, Cosmopolitan) say that men love lingerie, reenforcing our own preconceptions of what turns the opposite sex on. Cosmopolitan even occasionally shows different types of lingerie and tells which lingerie is the most flattering for each body type. I like that they do that, it lets regular women know that they don't have to look like a VS angel to look and feel sexy in lingerie. But now, there is a question on my mind...what do men REALLY think of lingerie?

I personally have never owned any lingerie, but I did have an X-boyfriend that thought lingerie was a bit much and didn't want me to invest in it. Every time I brought it up, he seemed disinterested. And the other day, when I asked my followers on Twitter (www.twitter.com/iWearThePants87) one of them said they prefer their woman naked, and did not care much for lingerie. This goes against everything we are being told about men. We are sent subliminal messages by magazines, television, movies, etc. that lingerie is considered a treat and that it drives men wild. Do men think that lingerie is skanky? Are men threatened by a woman that already owns lingerie? Does it make men wonder how many men she has worn it for before? To be continued...

Single With Nowhere To Mingle

I remember back in high school, everywhere you went you could meet someone. At the mall, at school, walking down the street, or even at home in an AIM chat with your friends. Now, in my 20s it feels damn near impossible to meet someone, especially of substance. Clubs & bars seem to be the hot spot for someone looking for hook ups or a few dinner dates, but nothing serious. Been there, done that! Where does a person meet someone outside of clubs & bars? I find myself spending a lot of time wondering, where could I meet someone? I don't work, I just go to school full-time. So I can't meet someone at work. The pickings at school are slim to none (closer to none than slim). Occasionally I do find myself going over to a friend's house for get togethers and I meet people, but I feel as though I cannot date them b/c if it doesn't work I will have to see them again over there. I thought I was the only one having problems meeting men, but a friend of mine brought it up to me last night that she had the same problems. I realize that the only places I go outside of school are the grocery store, blockbuster, out to eat, and the mall. Now I've heard many stories of how you could meet a man at the grocery store, but thats so far-fetched. The only man I talk to in a grocery store is the cashier, and I don't want a middle aged man that rings up produce all day lol. Second location, blockbuster, could have some possibilities. But, then again how many times have you seen a hot guy there on a friday night? They must just buy movies from best buy or something lol. Third location, out to eat. Unless a bunch of guys go out to eat together, its a slim chance that you'll meet a hot guy unless you are in the bar section during game night. Seems like guys mostly go out to the movies & dinner when they are on dates with other chicks. Lastly, the mall. I have never met a man in the mall, even when I worked there. I guess the only solutions are to join a local gym, or start a new hobby like horseback riding, or meet a guy through your friends.

Is Sex the new Love?

Being a single woman I do realize that being single not only comes with the cravings of companionship, but also with another sort of painful suffering. Suffering that comes from hungering for sex and intimacy. This hunger, is too strong for even the most nimble fingers or powerful vibrator to satisfy. You, as any normal human being does, WANT TO GET LAID. There are many judgmental people in the world, and your friends may be some of them, that frown upon casual sex. But, everyone is different and it may be the answer. What works for them, may not be working for you. If all you want is sex, and cannot keep holding out for Mr. Right, then go for it. The question is, however, can sex serve as a substitute for Love? Can one TRULY be satisfied with sex and no longer crave love? I believe that it depends on the partner. If your sex partner is affectionate, attentive, and cuddles with you...it could be quite pleasant, there wouldn't be a feeling as though something more were missing. That is of course if you like that sort of thing. There are many women who are not in relationships that just want sex with no strings attached. They want hot meaningless sex without the cuddling or kissing, just a fix to get them through their love dry spell. I definitely don't blame them either. You never know when or even whether you will find love, so why go on punishing yourself? There is a downside though, you may still get your heartbroken. Sex can end up making you feel used if done with the wrong person, and may make you feel even lonelier. Sex could also lower your self esteem. if you are depending on your partner for validation of your self-worth. Sex is very intimate and though some people can keep a stronghold on their feelings, many people find themselves unable to fight the feelings that grow inside of them for their partner. So please proceed with caution. On the bright side: Who knows, your partner may end up being your next relationship. You never know ;)

Mr. Ambitionless

I've met too many of these men in my life. Men who lack ambition and goals and are totally complacent in their situation. These are the men who live with their parents with no plans of getting their own place. The men who work at the dead-end jobs with no plans to move up. Last but not least: the men who do not have a degree, do not go to college and have no plans of doing so. I am a woman who is well on my way to finishing up my undergrad and plan to pursue law school. Why on earth would I wanna be with a bum that flips burgers while living with his mama and is happy doing so? What kind of future would we have? I need a man by my side that is as ambitious as me so that we can motivate eachother to succeed. It would be different if I was in the same boat as these men and had only a highschool education and worked at Wal-Mart or something but I don't. So I don't have to tolerate that, because there really is no purpose in me falling in love with a man that does not have the means to give me what I want out of life. I am striving to get these degrees so that I can be as successful as possible to make a comfortable life for myself, my children, and my parents/siblings. I am not working this hard for someone to come in and enjoy the benefits of my blood, sweat, and tears when they are only contributing 1/3 or a 1/4 of my income. B/c with those numbers...I would be better off living alone, because my income is going to be alot for a single person but isn't enough if I have to share my income with someone making considerably less. If you cannot carry your weight, don't get mad at me. Be mad at yourself for not being on my level.

Unspoken Rules & Expectations

I'm sure that I am not the only woman that has a set of rules instilled in her head before she even talks to any man. These rules are things that a woman will not tolerate or deal with from a man that she is dating. Granted men are not mind readers and therefore will break a few rules here and there unintentionally, but in reality some of the rules are common sensical. I will post a couple of my rules as an example (in no specific order):

1. Do not stand me up. If you cannot make it, tell me as soon as you know so that I can plan my evening accordingly. If you couldn't call me because of some crazy situation, I can be understanding if you contact me as soon as a phone is available to you and the first thing you do is apologize to me and try to do something to make it up to me. That shows you respect my time. However if you call me acting like nothing happened, that will get you fussed out.
2. Do not try to come to the crib as our "first date". Take me out somewhere. It doesn't have to be the boring old dinner & a movie either...be creative. I really don't like dudes coming to my crib, b/c they dunno how to act around a bed...which leads me to #3
   
3. Do not, I repeat DO NOT try to have sex with me the first few times you come over to my apartment. That is disrespectful on so many levels. That is a turnoff and will make me think that all you want me for is sex, and I aint sticking around for that! Some men will say that all men will try, and you can't fault em but I disagree. Because if you wanted to wife me you wouldn't have to rush sex, b/c you aint plannin on going anywhere. Am I right? Also, if you get mad when I give u a no when u start to try something, you are DEFINITELY not a keeper. U lucky I told u then...instead of when it REALLY got hot & heavy. Because I don't owe u squat.
   
4. Do not tell me you will call me RIGHT back or in however many minutes and then not do it. I won't say anything the first few times, but really it is inconsiderate and will eventually earn you a fuss out. Bottom line do not say you will call me back at a certain time unless you plan to.

That's really all I can think of right now that really urks me. You would think that it is common sense, but clearly it is not. Ofcourse, I have some expectations that are not really common sensical, therefore I do not hold it against a man, but it will make me unsatisfied to not have it. I love romance, its in a Libra's nature. I love the roses, the chocolates, the sweet cards, and what not. I believe I deserve to be courted regardless of this being 2009, chivalry is not dead. I think that its just that the chivalrous men are holding out for someone worth their chivalry, i.e. ME! I am optimistic in the fact that the suffering I am doing now in this lover's bootcamp is temporary and I will be rewarded with a good man who knows all the rules before I tell him and doesn't need to be guided through romance...he wants to do it on his own and thinks it all up himself. Thats what I'm holding out for.

Where They Do That At?!?!

Wow so apparently there are men that exist that invite women out to dates and then pull a switcheroo. I am talking about begging to take you out and then when the check comes decide to split it or even ask you to cover them. WHERE THE HELL DO THEY DO THAT AT? I have never had this happened to me personally, but that is pretty damn trifiling. Let me explain the logic of it. How are you takin me out if you neither pick me up or pay for my food? As my cousin Rahwa put it, why not just call it a meeting if you don't plan on treating, because that aint a date! If I am going to a movie or a dinner that I wouldn't have otherwise gone to if you hadn't invited me, why would I want to pay for it? I woulda been better off just stayin home. To be real. Straight up, fellas aint gon like this but I DON'T CARE! A true gentleman takes a woman out on a date with the intentions of paying, no need to fake the funk and let the check linger on the table. We both know the deal. If you don't...thats our LAST date. If you don't have the funds to pay for both of us...we coulda done something else...like a walk in the park, go to a museum, the zoo..I mean really. If someone ever tries to pull that "I guess we'll be splitting this" shit on me Ima be like o ok hun, lemme go get my wallet from the car. Guess you'll be washing dishes nyucca!

Dating Is Sooo...Overrated

Dating in general is fun, but its the first dates that suck in my opinion. I believe that the awkwardness comes from not knowing each other and therein not knowing what to expect from the other party. For example, you go on a movie date. You both walk up to the door at the same pace, who will open the door? Will he be a gentleman and get all the doors (including car doors if he pickin me up)...or just wait on me to open them? Then you walk up to the ticket counter, will he ask for one ticket...or two. (He better ask for two...or I'm leaving! lol) Then inside the theater, will he just sit there and watch the movie, like he should. Or try to make moves on you the WHOLE time...ughhhh...hate when a man tries that shit on the first date. I do not want you to lift the arm rest so we can get closer...thats for BJs (boo joints) and boyfriends...not for you hun. Worst of all my movie pet peeves, hand holding. ODG (oh dear god) hand holding is for couples...and not to mention usually makes our hands sweaty...so get off!! To paraphrase for the slower readers: NO PDA on the FIRST date. I'm still single, and may be scoping someone else if you're lame...and the hand holding will def be a cock block. LMAO But really tho, those things mentioned are AWKWARD moments that I wish could be skipped all together. Now example 2, a dinner date. How awkward is it when you're trying to eat, and the other person keeps yapping at you...like not normal convo but straight rambling about themselves. OMG just stfu and eat your burger dude, its getting cold and I'm getting bored! lol I mean if its a good convo, I wont complain, but nothing urks me more than a self-important jerk who just yaps about himself the whole meal, I dont really care that much about what you do to spend an hour hearing about it. Then how about the food on face awkward moment, where you or the other person has a huge piece of food on their face and has no idea. lol EMBARESSING. Then the check comes...DUN DUN DUN...and ofcourse the guy looks at you a few times...its like is he gonna just pay for it, or is he looking at me waiting for me to offer to pay...because he'll be waiting a long time...bc I def wont. HAHA...I'm being real...a man wants to take a woman out...it should be a given that he will be paying for the date whether its dinner or a movie, etc. Gray area...when a girl asks a guy out...that could go either way. Honestly sometimes I'm scared to go on a date with a guy, for fear of discovering that he's whack. Its pretty hard to enjoy a 2hr long movie with someone who is constantly talking to you during the movie or tryna cuddle. A friend of mine actually had that happen to her and just got up and sat in a different row from the guy. LMAOOOOOO Harsh but real, a dinner or movie date does not equal a hook up. We are women, not prostitutes.

So yeah, first dates are EXTREMELY awkward, but they can still be good overrall. And there are only two results that can come about after that, you discover you're out with a LAME and cut all ties, or everything goes uphill...

What Makes For A Good Man? If No One Is Perfect, Can There Possibly Be Such A Thing As The Perfect Man?

I, like many other women, have this vision in my head of what I want in a man. I want him to have many of the qualities that my father has and to also be compatible with me. I am a single woman, because it seems as though my standards are too high...now my girls always tell me not to settle, and I won't...but in reality isn't anyone you end up with going to be below your standards somehow, because standards in general can be a bit unrealistic. We can not expect every man to be perfect. Humans are imperfect by nature...where do we draw the line as to what is acceptable and what is not? If I had to name my top ten qualities that I would like to find in a man I date, they would be (in no particular order):

1. Honest, 2. Trust-worthy, 3. Faithful, 4. Attractive, 5. Good Sense of Humor, 6. Good Manners, 7. Good Hygiene, 8. Romantic, 9. Thoughtful, 10. Good in Bed (even though, if he's not...that may be something that can be improved on, keyword MAY.)

I feel like those qualities are not too much to ask for. But, then come the superficial standards. These are the standards that I have that can be a bit harder to comply with. Like he has to be in school or have a degree. If not, at least have a career. It is also important that he is good with his money and doesn't spend his paycheck and end up asking his mama for money for his rent. Ugh. He also must have the three necessaries: a car, a cellphone, and a job. If you don't have the three listed...its a major dent in your chances. I'm saying this because these are things that I have. I don't want anyone who doesn't have at least what I have, if not more. First of all, and my biggest pet peeve, is when a man asks me to come see him. I will not get in my car and go see or pick up a man with/without a car. That is your job as a man to have a vehicle, or transporation, and if you want to see me or take me out, use it to accomplish that. I honestly don't feel like thats too much to ask. Now if your cell phone is turned off for a little while or you just lost your job, that gives you a little room. I can be understanding about that. But my thing is if you don't work and can't take me out...and you have some groceries in your fridge, make us dinner. Another plus is if you live on your own, I love an independent man. I don't want to call your mama's house and ask to speak to so and so. smh. Especially at this age. Another drawback, a man with a child or children. I am not going to apologize for this, I do not and I repeat DO NOT want to date a man with a child. Especially one who doesn't take care of his children. It's such a drag and a burden on me to have to settle for my child, if we get married, to be my first and your second or third. No thanks. I want a man with no bones in his closet and no ghosts in his past. Is that too much to ask? SHIT!

So back to the big question. What makes for a good man? Is a man still a good man if he treats you great, romances you, is thoughtful, and sweet but cheats on you? He's only missing one trait. A lot of people will say no, but they themselves have overlooked some characteristics in the men they love that go completely against what it is they want in a man. I guess some qualities weigh more heavily than others, but in my opinion a cheater could never be considered a good man. I personally think that a good man, can only be one that has the majority of the qualities you want in a man. If you are impatient...then by all means settle...I choose to wait, I'd rather be alone than unhappy. :)