Forget Me Not: FWBs Edition

Forget me nots are a beautiful type of flower. They came to my mind tonight when I got a text from a guy that I haven't talked to in like a week. He texts me short meaningless responses and then calls me to talk about....nothing. The most painfully boring convos I've ever had. He said, he didn't know me well enough to pursue a relationship, yet did not even try to get to know me. He was only good for a nut, which I realized early on...and I was cool with that. But, now that I want more (not necessarily from him of course...he's a fuckin asshole), he is no longer appealing. My standards for a fuck buddy are way lower than that for a serious committed relationship (as they should be). Soooo...when he texts me a week after he told me he'd call me RIGHT back, hell yeah I'm mad. WTF? Ignore! I can't get with that shit. It's so interesting to me, how a woman can be so respectful to a fuck buddy, but a lot of dudes don't operate that way. Just bc it's a FWB situation doesn't mean you have to act uninterested until the next time you want some. Texting me some bull shit talking about you miss me. How come in the movies coming out lately (mostly white folks) are engaging in casual sex and actually hang out too? The true meaning of friends with benefits. Not make small talk, fuck, and go home. Another thing....how skewed is our society that we will share our bodies (something that has been sacred to us) with a stranger/person we barely know; and put ourselves at risk for STDs & pregnancy....but, will not put our heart out there? I'd rather have my heart broken a million times than catch something I can't get rid of, or have a baby by someone that I am not married to. But, that's just me...I am a realist and logically that shit does NOT make sense. I could sit here and blame hip hop, for the black man's degradation of the black woman...but, I won't...bc this isn't only in the black community. Hollywood is just selling this idea as the new "Happily Ever After". Two people have casual sex, spend time together, and fall for each other anyway. Movies like "No Strings Attached", "Going The Distance", & "Friends With Benefits" all have that in common as their premise. I have never ended up falling in love and committing to anyone that I've had casual sex with. And I can honestly say that all of my sexual partners except one have been casual (And by casual I mean, not a committed relationship. Not one night stands). Why is that? Another question...does a history of casual sex cause one to disconnect from emotional attachment during sex? It would make sense, whether out of habit or as a defense mechanism, or hell both. I feel as though I have jumped around a lot during this post (hope some of you were able to follow my train of thought), my main point is...why can't you establish boundaries in a FWB relationship, and still be friends? Why can't you be seen in public together, go out to dinner/movies, talk on the phone? Friends do all of that. Why is it that you have to hit it, and then forget it until it's been too long and you need it again? In his defense, he did call me on days that I was at work or that he had to work in the morning...just to talk....but, the convo didn't stimulate either of our minds. I need a man that will FORGET ME NOT.

Porn & The Fascination With It

PORN. Everyone knows what it is, but why are we so fascinated with it? And what does the porn that we watch say about us?

Sex itself is a topic that is just starting to become less taboo thanks to its big role in modern media, but porn is still the ultimate taboo topic. We see semi-pornographic scenes in all types of movies, music videos, and even soap operas, but still very few people will openly admit to watching actual porn in the privacy of their own home I feel like everyone does it, but just doesn't feel comfortable talking about it; sort of like masturbation or premarital sex. There are so many people that put up this front that they are not sexual beings and that they do not participate in those activities when in reality they are just too embarrassed to admit it. I must say though, porn has a bad rap.

Porn is associated with sexual addiction, it's considered immoral, and unclean, but still there has to be some sort of audience for it to still thrive. One of the main reasons that there is such a fascination with porn is that it gives you a voyeuristic look into someone else's sex life. By nature, we as human beings are aroused by the idea of being watched or watching others during sexual acts. There are so many fetishes and forbidden fantasies that we would never dare tell even our closest friends or lovers, that bring us satisfaction from watching porn. It is because of this that so many people creep into sex shops with hats and sunglasses on. Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating about the disguises, but if you've been to a sex shop...you can feel the tension in the air for some people. They look scared shitless about being there and like they are afraid to see someone they know. They want the sex toys and movies that turn them on, without dealing with the judgment that comes with being what they interpret as being sexually immoral. I don't remember being embaressed after leaving the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and that movie had lots of nudity. So why is porn different? Is it because we KNOW that these people are actually having sex, versus them just being actors?

I watched some porn as research for this blog, and will not lie...I LOVE IT! I've watched porn alone, with friends, and with lovers. It is an excellent tool to use when masturbating alone, for sex education purposes, and for arousal before reenacting with a significant other. Porn provides an outlet to your deepest darkest fantasies and helps release sexual frustration. I feel as though porn is healthy to watch as long as it does not affect your REAL sex life or impair you from completing work and leaving the house.

Here are a few free sites, for your enjoyment :)

redtube.com
xvideos.com
spankwire.com

Is Sex Mandatory In A Modern Day Relationship?

This blog is a follow up to another blog I wrote called: Can You Have A Relationship Without Sex? I was just reading Glamour magazine, when I realized that even magazines are influencing the importance of sex in modern day relationships. As a woman there are few magazine options that I can relate to. I cannot relate to the fashion magazines, because I do not care about fashion that much to go through 100s of pages of nothing but clothes. Next there are housekeeping magazines, I am too young to care about how to decorate my house or how to make a quick meal for the kids after a long day at work. Then, there are Bride magazines, which might as well just be considered a fashion mag, because they are nothing but a wedding dress catalogue. So I gravitate towards magazines like Glamour and Cosmopolitan, because for the most part, they get me. They show helpful skincare tips, a little bit of up to date fashion, and even stories that range from funny to tear-jerking. Most of their tips are almost always on point too, I love how much they care about healthy eating and exercise. Overall they are great magazines, and that is why I have been purchasing them for so many years. But I had an epiphany today, these magazines are written to appeal to a reader that is sexually active. Let me tell you why I believe this. Here are a few article titles in this month's issue of Glamour (pictured above): "Katy Perry Shares Her Sex Confidence Tips", "101 Things No One Tells You About Guys: Their Sex Desires, Their Body Hang-ups And The Real Reason They Cheat", "52 Things He's Really Thinking About You. (Which include subcategories like: 7 Things He's Thinking When You Try A New Move In Bed, 7 Things He's Thinking When You're Naked, 4 Things He's Thinking When You Watch Porn With Him)" And this is actually the milder magazine, Cosmopolitan's February 2010 issue has sex all over its new cover! Here a few article titles from their new cover: "99 Sex Moves: Sweet and Slow, Quick and Dirty, and Everything In Between.", "The Hour Men Crave Sex Most", "Unleash Your Cheeks!: Why Guys Stopped Loving The Thong." The sad part is that there are probably several more sex stories in Cosmo, if that much sex is on the cover. So what are these magazines trying to say? The audience, in my opinion, for this magazine ranges from the ages of 18-35. Which is a wide range of ages, but why assume that ALL of these women are sexually active? Why put the pressure on young people to have sex? This is the Valentine's Day issue too. Are they saying that the only way to celebrate Valentine's Day with your significant other is in bed wearing racy lingerie and trying new sex moves on your man? If woman's magazine's are this biased about sex, I'd hate to pick up a men's magazine. Their covers are raunchy enough.

Magazines, media, friends, many influences in our lives tell us that sex is a mandatory or socially accepted part of relationships. But, sex is not mandatory. You are not weird for being a virgin, or celibate and wanting to wait until marriage. That is your personal choice, and that should not make a person feel like they are less of a good pick for respecting themselves or their religion that much, or simply not being ready. Do not let the pressures outside of your relationships affect your relationships.

Lingerie: Sexy or Skanky?

Lingerie. It is feminine, soft, and makes a woman feel sexy. Lingerie signifies every good girl's *naughty side*. Many women's magazines encourage women to wear lingerie. These magazines (eg: Glamour, Cosmopolitan) say that men love lingerie, reenforcing our own preconceptions of what turns the opposite sex on. Cosmopolitan even occasionally shows different types of lingerie and tells which lingerie is the most flattering for each body type. I like that they do that, it lets regular women know that they don't have to look like a VS angel to look and feel sexy in lingerie. But now, there is a question on my mind...what do men REALLY think of lingerie?

I personally have never owned any lingerie, but I did have an X-boyfriend that thought lingerie was a bit much and didn't want me to invest in it. Every time I brought it up, he seemed disinterested. And the other day, when I asked my followers on Twitter (www.twitter.com/iWearThePants87) one of them said they prefer their woman naked, and did not care much for lingerie. This goes against everything we are being told about men. We are sent subliminal messages by magazines, television, movies, etc. that lingerie is considered a treat and that it drives men wild. Do men think that lingerie is skanky? Are men threatened by a woman that already owns lingerie? Does it make men wonder how many men she has worn it for before? To be continued...

Is Sex the new Love?

Being a single woman I do realize that being single not only comes with the cravings of companionship, but also with another sort of painful suffering. Suffering that comes from hungering for sex and intimacy. This hunger, is too strong for even the most nimble fingers or powerful vibrator to satisfy. You, as any normal human being does, WANT TO GET LAID. There are many judgmental people in the world, and your friends may be some of them, that frown upon casual sex. But, everyone is different and it may be the answer. What works for them, may not be working for you. If all you want is sex, and cannot keep holding out for Mr. Right, then go for it. The question is, however, can sex serve as a substitute for Love? Can one TRULY be satisfied with sex and no longer crave love? I believe that it depends on the partner. If your sex partner is affectionate, attentive, and cuddles with you...it could be quite pleasant, there wouldn't be a feeling as though something more were missing. That is of course if you like that sort of thing. There are many women who are not in relationships that just want sex with no strings attached. They want hot meaningless sex without the cuddling or kissing, just a fix to get them through their love dry spell. I definitely don't blame them either. You never know when or even whether you will find love, so why go on punishing yourself? There is a downside though, you may still get your heartbroken. Sex can end up making you feel used if done with the wrong person, and may make you feel even lonelier. Sex could also lower your self esteem. if you are depending on your partner for validation of your self-worth. Sex is very intimate and though some people can keep a stronghold on their feelings, many people find themselves unable to fight the feelings that grow inside of them for their partner. So please proceed with caution. On the bright side: Who knows, your partner may end up being your next relationship. You never know ;)

High Heels: Gift or Curse?

Every body knows that high heels are sexy as hell!! Really, thats why we wear 'em. They make us feel sexy, they make our legs look great, and they give us hella confidence. Not to mention the fellas love it when we do wear 'em lol. But at the end of the day...pretty much ALL heels hurt like hell. Sometimes I'm in the club looking around at all of the other women wearing heels, dancing around and I ponder to myself, "I wonder if their feet hurt as bad as mine do." Thanks to my girl Keri Hilson, now I know that I'm not the only one who "can't hang". She has a song called high heels, dunno if its on her cd but its probably on Limewire (http://www.limewire.com). She says "I hate high heels, love how they look but hate how they feel." This right here reminds me of something we were discussing in my Women Studies class. The topic being sexualization, and how as women we are objects and do not really have a say in what we wear. Society, mainly men, paint a picture of what is appealing and we follow. This past weekend a young man asked me, "If they hurt, why do yall wear 'em?" I said "FOR YALL!!!" He gon say..."girl you look just as sexy in those flats." SHEESH shoulda told me that earlier!

Ladies...Yall Gotta Learn To Make Em Wait!!!

I know we've all met the type. Smooth talking, charming, and attractive. Sort of too good to be true. Only one way to find out if he really is too good to be true, make him wait. You know what I'm talking about...in the words of Steve Harvey, "If his job makes him wait 3 months for the benefits, you should too." I'm not saying that you gotta make the man wait for years, but don't sleep with him the first night and expect him to be romantic and charming and all that crap still. Its rare that a man will wife a chick like that, primarily because the chase is over and so is the thrill. Better that as women we captivate a man's mental before proceeding to the physical. Ya feel me? Also, the less women jump into bed with a man all early, the less pressure on the next chick to give it up. Men have become spoiled out here these days, expecting sex and have even convinced themselves that "what you won't do, another girl will". Don't fall for that lame shit. If a man can't wait a measely 3 months to get to know you before he gets in your pants, he was only in it for one thing and is better off gone ANYWAY!! Plenty of fish in the sea, don't sell yourself short to please some man when he doesn't give a rat's tail about you. Trust, once you give that type of dude what he wants the sweet texts, flowers, and even phone calls stop. GAME OVER. Ladies lets save ourselves the disappointment and rope em in with our minds and not our bodies!

Are Magazine's Brainwashing Women?

Seems like every magazine I pick up nowadays is about men. How to arouse him, wow him in bed, decode his behavior, what he notices first about you. WTF? Now don't get me wrong I love Cosmo and Glamour and they have some wonderful articles. But, how come men's magazine's don't focus their attention on those same things. How to understand women, how to PLEASE women in bed...(because a lot of y'all are clueless, or just don't care) or even how to go about winning over a woman. Society by way of television and magazines is brain washing women by making them think that the only important topics to read about are sex, and men. In its defense, this magazine also tells women how to get what they want out of sex and celebrates independent "fun, fearless females", but really is there such a need for women to please men that all of these magazines feel like they have to convey to us their ability to help us achieve it?