In life, we go through different things that make us question who we are and if we should change. You are always told to be yourself...but what if yourself is not acceptable? Isn't is contradictory to tell someone to be themself when they have characteristics that they are in the same breath told to modify? So are we supposed to be ourselves or just the editted version society expects us to be? I refuse to follow suit. I will be me, unapologetically. I am beautiful, I am overweight, I am short haired, but occasionally rock a weave. I used to have long hair, but that does not matter now. Now it's short and I embrace it both natural and with my tracks!!! I will not apologize for my weave either. That's my choice crown and I am not ashamed. I am educated. I have goals to become a successful lawyer and socialite. I will not dumb down my goals and education to make a man feel comfortable. If we are not on the same playing field...that is your personal problem. Keep up or get left in the dust. I am lonely, I am desperate for love, I am a horn dog, I make lewd jokes ALL the time, I cry sometimes when men fall short of my expectations for them, I fall too hard, too fast. I do not know how to be a BITCH to someone I am dating, or ACT LIKE A LADY AND THINK LIKE A MAN. Those books did me no justice. I am just nice. Point blank. I like to tell someone how I feel about them, cook for them, kiss and hold them, I love with my whole heart like it's never been broken! I hate waiting for sex just as much as a man does, but I've done it just because it's expected. I love to laugh and make others laugh, I have desires that sometimes do not go with my Christian belief, I am not perfect. I love to shop, I love to buy gifts for others, I wish I could help all of the homeless people get back on their feet. I hate when people don't say thank you, or even just take the door when I open the door for them. I hate when movie romance does not reflect my real life, because it gets my hopes up and results in me crying myself to sleep. I long for a balance between love, happiness, and good sex. I love whoever loves me. I get moody near my period and want to be left alone. I love fast food, even though I know it is hurting any results that working with my trainer could achieve. I want someone to encourage me in my weight loss, without making me feel like there is something wrong with me as I am now. I love sexy underwear and sending pics of myself in them, but feel offended if u only talk to me when u want one. I love to be the aggressor, when a man makes the first move too soon...I feel like all he wants is sex and that makes me feel objected. I have two sides: the lustful side that wants to jump your bones RIGHT NOW! and the romantic/classy/lovey dovey side that wants to be courted and treated respectfully before I give it up. And those two sides clash, regularly. So often, that I wonder if I will ever find a man that could please both. I walk alone, amongst a crowd of lovers...and want what they have. I do not know when I want to start law school, but I am sure that I am going! Sometimes I forget that sex cannot serve as a replacement for love, just because I am tired of waiting (and touching myself). I think of it like it's like being hungry for a meal...do u continue to starve or have a salad while u wait? I love all of my friends deeply, but suck at keeping in touch or being there for them when they need me. Especially, when distance is involved. I wish I was better at showing I care. I have never had a job that I loved, let alone enjoyed for a long period of time...and that scares me. I would feel better if I were having great sex, than to be completely alone. I am malnourished emotionally and sexually and it causes me to be stressed out. My current dating standards, are lower than the ones other people have for me...but, they aren't the ones that have to deal with being alone. I don't understand why I am single, and because I don't...I doubt myself a lot and wonder what I am doing wrong. I lash out sometimes and say I want to be left alone, just because I want to be pulled in closer. I am just a BEAUTIFUL MESS! But, nonetheless I am going to continue being me...UNAPOLOGETICALLY!
Friday, December 3, 2010
Unapologetically Me
In life, we go through different things that make us question who we are and if we should change. You are always told to be yourself...but what if yourself is not acceptable? Isn't is contradictory to tell someone to be themself when they have characteristics that they are in the same breath told to modify? So are we supposed to be ourselves or just the editted version society expects us to be? I refuse to follow suit. I will be me, unapologetically. I am beautiful, I am overweight, I am short haired, but occasionally rock a weave. I used to have long hair, but that does not matter now. Now it's short and I embrace it both natural and with my tracks!!! I will not apologize for my weave either. That's my choice crown and I am not ashamed. I am educated. I have goals to become a successful lawyer and socialite. I will not dumb down my goals and education to make a man feel comfortable. If we are not on the same playing field...that is your personal problem. Keep up or get left in the dust. I am lonely, I am desperate for love, I am a horn dog, I make lewd jokes ALL the time, I cry sometimes when men fall short of my expectations for them, I fall too hard, too fast. I do not know how to be a BITCH to someone I am dating, or ACT LIKE A LADY AND THINK LIKE A MAN. Those books did me no justice. I am just nice. Point blank. I like to tell someone how I feel about them, cook for them, kiss and hold them, I love with my whole heart like it's never been broken! I hate waiting for sex just as much as a man does, but I've done it just because it's expected. I love to laugh and make others laugh, I have desires that sometimes do not go with my Christian belief, I am not perfect. I love to shop, I love to buy gifts for others, I wish I could help all of the homeless people get back on their feet. I hate when people don't say thank you, or even just take the door when I open the door for them. I hate when movie romance does not reflect my real life, because it gets my hopes up and results in me crying myself to sleep. I long for a balance between love, happiness, and good sex. I love whoever loves me. I get moody near my period and want to be left alone. I love fast food, even though I know it is hurting any results that working with my trainer could achieve. I want someone to encourage me in my weight loss, without making me feel like there is something wrong with me as I am now. I love sexy underwear and sending pics of myself in them, but feel offended if u only talk to me when u want one. I love to be the aggressor, when a man makes the first move too soon...I feel like all he wants is sex and that makes me feel objected. I have two sides: the lustful side that wants to jump your bones RIGHT NOW! and the romantic/classy/lovey dovey side that wants to be courted and treated respectfully before I give it up. And those two sides clash, regularly. So often, that I wonder if I will ever find a man that could please both. I walk alone, amongst a crowd of lovers...and want what they have. I do not know when I want to start law school, but I am sure that I am going! Sometimes I forget that sex cannot serve as a replacement for love, just because I am tired of waiting (and touching myself). I think of it like it's like being hungry for a meal...do u continue to starve or have a salad while u wait? I love all of my friends deeply, but suck at keeping in touch or being there for them when they need me. Especially, when distance is involved. I wish I was better at showing I care. I have never had a job that I loved, let alone enjoyed for a long period of time...and that scares me. I would feel better if I were having great sex, than to be completely alone. I am malnourished emotionally and sexually and it causes me to be stressed out. My current dating standards, are lower than the ones other people have for me...but, they aren't the ones that have to deal with being alone. I don't understand why I am single, and because I don't...I doubt myself a lot and wonder what I am doing wrong. I lash out sometimes and say I want to be left alone, just because I want to be pulled in closer. I am just a BEAUTIFUL MESS! But, nonetheless I am going to continue being me...UNAPOLOGETICALLY!
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