Unapologetically Me

In life, we go through different things that make us question who we are and if we should change. You are always told to be yourself...but what if yourself is not acceptable? Isn't is contradictory to tell someone to be themself when they have characteristics that they are in the same breath told to modify? So are we supposed to be ourselves or just the editted version society expects us to be? I refuse to follow suit. I will be me, unapologetically. I am beautiful, I am overweight, I am short haired, but occasionally rock a weave. I used to have long hair, but that does not matter now. Now it's short and I embrace it both natural and with my tracks!!! I will not apologize for my weave either. That's my choice crown and I am not ashamed. I am educated. I have goals to become a successful lawyer and socialite. I will not dumb down my goals and education to make a man feel comfortable. If we are not on the same playing field...that is your personal problem. Keep up or get left in the dust. I am lonely, I am desperate for love, I am a horn dog, I make lewd jokes ALL the time, I cry sometimes when men fall short of my expectations for them, I fall too hard, too fast. I do not know how to be a BITCH to someone I am dating, or ACT LIKE A LADY AND THINK LIKE A MAN. Those books did me no justice. I am just nice. Point blank. I like to tell someone how I feel about them, cook for them, kiss and hold them, I love with my whole heart like it's never been broken! I hate waiting for sex just as much as a man does, but I've done it just because it's expected. I love to laugh and make others laugh, I have desires that sometimes do not go with my Christian belief, I am not perfect. I love to shop, I love to buy gifts for others, I wish I could help all of the homeless people get back on their feet. I hate when people don't say thank you, or even just take the door when I open the door for them. I hate when movie romance does not reflect my real life, because it gets my hopes up and results in me crying myself to sleep. I long for a balance between love, happiness, and good sex. I love whoever loves me. I get moody near my period and want to be left alone. I love fast food, even though I know it is hurting any results that working with my trainer could achieve. I want someone to encourage me in my weight loss, without making me feel like there is something wrong with me as I am now. I love sexy underwear and sending pics of myself in them, but feel offended if u only talk to me when u want one. I love to be the aggressor, when a man makes the first move too soon...I feel like all he wants is sex and that makes me feel objected. I have two sides: the lustful side that wants to jump your bones RIGHT NOW! and the romantic/classy/lovey dovey side that wants to be courted and treated respectfully before I give it up. And those two sides clash, regularly. So often, that I wonder if I will ever find a man that could please both. I walk alone, amongst a crowd of lovers...and want what they have. I do not know when I want to start law school, but I am sure that I am going! Sometimes I forget that sex cannot serve as a replacement for love, just because I am tired of waiting (and touching myself). I think of it like it's like being hungry for a meal...do u continue to starve or have a salad while u wait? I love all of my friends deeply, but suck at keeping in touch or being there for them when they need me. Especially, when distance is involved. I wish I was better at showing I care. I have never had a job that I loved, let alone enjoyed for a long period of time...and that scares me. I would feel better if I were having great sex, than to be completely alone. I am malnourished emotionally and sexually and it causes me to be stressed out. My current dating standards, are lower than the ones other people have for me...but, they aren't the ones that have to deal with being alone. I don't understand why I am single, and because I don't...I doubt myself a lot and wonder what I am doing wrong. I lash out sometimes and say I want to be left alone, just because I want to be pulled in closer. I am just a BEAUTIFUL MESS! But, nonetheless I am going to continue being me...UNAPOLOGETICALLY!

When Did Women Start Courting Men?

For as long as I have been living on God's green earth, it has been stressed to me by my parents that I am a woman deserving of the best treatment and respect. I expect a man to treat me accordingly and to behave as a gentleman. I am also familiar with the different roles each gender is expected to play. The man is expected to romance a woman, sweep her off of her feet, if you will, and express his interest to her until she gives in and reciprocates those same feelings of romance. But, what throws me off, is that some woman totally disregard those roles and take on the role of the man. They won't let a man pay for them, they cook for a man that hasn't even taken them out on a date yet, and spend money on them. I am tired of seeing women tricking on men. Like seriously, if chivalry is dead, y'all the ones that killed it. Why would a man feel the need to take you out and treat you how he is supposed to if you are giving him an easy way out? By not allowing a man to fulfill his role, you are keeping him from being a man. Only a weak and prideless man would allow a woman to pay for him wherever they go. But, women are at fault too, can't blame a man for taking advantage of your foolishness. #1 no no: Offering/agreeing to go see a man at his house for a first date is not the way to start a serious love affair. You are burning up your gas, and he is not contributing anything financially. Not to mention the fact that going over his house gives him a shorter and faster route to THE GOODs. Another thing that really urks me to see, is a woman that will pay for not only her own food/drink (which I refuse to do, make that man work!), but will also pay for the man?! *I just threw up in my mouth at the thought* That's no no # 2. How you start the arrangement off, sets the tone for how things will go from then on. If you were chillin' at his crib watching tv, and paying for y'all food...don't expect him to wake up one day and take you out to the Cheesecake Factory for a fancy dinner on his dime. Because it ain't happening! There is no reason for a woman to "court" a man. You should not be in the kitchen slaving for a man that you barely know, in exchange for his affection. We should be in control of the relationship. Let the man be a man and court you. Let him take you out, treat you to dinner, and show you a good time. We are worth a man that will put in work to have us all to himself. Stop spending up all your money on a man that isn't doing his part. You will just end up broke and alone.

Is Sex Mandatory In A Modern Day Relationship?

This blog is a follow up to another blog I wrote called: Can You Have A Relationship Without Sex? I was just reading Glamour magazine, when I realized that even magazines are influencing the importance of sex in modern day relationships. As a woman there are few magazine options that I can relate to. I cannot relate to the fashion magazines, because I do not care about fashion that much to go through 100s of pages of nothing but clothes. Next there are housekeeping magazines, I am too young to care about how to decorate my house or how to make a quick meal for the kids after a long day at work. Then, there are Bride magazines, which might as well just be considered a fashion mag, because they are nothing but a wedding dress catalogue. So I gravitate towards magazines like Glamour and Cosmopolitan, because for the most part, they get me. They show helpful skincare tips, a little bit of up to date fashion, and even stories that range from funny to tear-jerking. Most of their tips are almost always on point too, I love how much they care about healthy eating and exercise. Overall they are great magazines, and that is why I have been purchasing them for so many years. But I had an epiphany today, these magazines are written to appeal to a reader that is sexually active. Let me tell you why I believe this. Here are a few article titles in this month's issue of Glamour (pictured above): "Katy Perry Shares Her Sex Confidence Tips", "101 Things No One Tells You About Guys: Their Sex Desires, Their Body Hang-ups And The Real Reason They Cheat", "52 Things He's Really Thinking About You. (Which include subcategories like: 7 Things He's Thinking When You Try A New Move In Bed, 7 Things He's Thinking When You're Naked, 4 Things He's Thinking When You Watch Porn With Him)" And this is actually the milder magazine, Cosmopolitan's February 2010 issue has sex all over its new cover! Here a few article titles from their new cover: "99 Sex Moves: Sweet and Slow, Quick and Dirty, and Everything In Between.", "The Hour Men Crave Sex Most", "Unleash Your Cheeks!: Why Guys Stopped Loving The Thong." The sad part is that there are probably several more sex stories in Cosmo, if that much sex is on the cover. So what are these magazines trying to say? The audience, in my opinion, for this magazine ranges from the ages of 18-35. Which is a wide range of ages, but why assume that ALL of these women are sexually active? Why put the pressure on young people to have sex? This is the Valentine's Day issue too. Are they saying that the only way to celebrate Valentine's Day with your significant other is in bed wearing racy lingerie and trying new sex moves on your man? If woman's magazine's are this biased about sex, I'd hate to pick up a men's magazine. Their covers are raunchy enough.

Magazines, media, friends, many influences in our lives tell us that sex is a mandatory or socially accepted part of relationships. But, sex is not mandatory. You are not weird for being a virgin, or celibate and wanting to wait until marriage. That is your personal choice, and that should not make a person feel like they are less of a good pick for respecting themselves or their religion that much, or simply not being ready. Do not let the pressures outside of your relationships affect your relationships.

Love Induced PTSD

Sooo...I was just on Twitter when RevRunWisdom tweeted "Ladies::: If want a mate.. Don't build walls,, Build bridges.." That is so much easier said than done. It is not that easy to forget the pain you've suffered. I am shell-shocked! So its only natural that I have my defenses up. It is so much easier to scare people away, and cut them off at the first red flag than it is to truly let yourself fall for someone. I am afraid. I am not ashamed to say it. I am afraid to relive the near death I felt when my last relationship ended. I am scared to love someone and have them hurt me. To lay in bed crying, and wake up everyday feeling like throwing up. It took a lot of strength to get over it, I don't think that I have it in me to go through it again. I don't deserve it!

No woman deserves it. So it is only natural that we build up our defenses in order to protect our hearts. What is wrong with a woman wanting to be secure in a man/romantic situation before she gives a man her heart? Isn't that the way it should be? I don't want to be misunderstood, I am not saying that a woman should punish every single man for the mistakes of other, but she must be cautious. Most dogs have the same ol' tricks...I feel as though the right man will be able to break through those walls and rebuild them around the both of you.

Working-Mom=Oxymoron?

My cousin Rahwa and I were discussing children yesterday while eating at Chili's. I told her that I had an epiphany...I don't really like the idea of having children. The older I get, the less I feel a desire to follow norms and become a mother. I told her that all I am thinking about is my career and that I don't see children fitting into my overall lifeplan. I think its ignorant of people to call a person selfish for not wanting to have children. It is a personal choice, and has nothing to do with anyone but the couple. Who am I hurting by not wanting to have children? Exactly! No one. I plan to accelerate in my career once I complete my education. I do not want to be a housewife, I did not go to school, and take out all those loans, to just sit at home and change diapers all day. I guess some people will not be able to understand my point of view, because it is seemingly unnatural to not want children, seeing as we were put on this earth to be fruitful and multipy. But, I do not want to have a child as a compromise to my husband (if I even get married) and then live to regret it. Being a parent is a full-time job in its self. I do not want to bring a child into this world if I cannot give them the same love and attention that my parents gave me growing up. I want to be able to travel & see the world without worrying. I want to come home to peace and quiet after a long work day. This may just be a phase, so I cannot say this is my final decision. My cousin Rahwa said to me how she can't even imagine herself as a mother, because she can't even imagine herself married. I agree. I feel as though, to see myself in that situation. I need to actually be in a committed relationship that is stable financially and emotionally. I definitely love babies, they are cute as a button...but to have one full-time? And how about the fact that they grow up and start talking...

Lingerie: Sexy or Skanky?

Lingerie. It is feminine, soft, and makes a woman feel sexy. Lingerie signifies every good girl's *naughty side*. Many women's magazines encourage women to wear lingerie. These magazines (eg: Glamour, Cosmopolitan) say that men love lingerie, reenforcing our own preconceptions of what turns the opposite sex on. Cosmopolitan even occasionally shows different types of lingerie and tells which lingerie is the most flattering for each body type. I like that they do that, it lets regular women know that they don't have to look like a VS angel to look and feel sexy in lingerie. But now, there is a question on my mind...what do men REALLY think of lingerie?

I personally have never owned any lingerie, but I did have an X-boyfriend that thought lingerie was a bit much and didn't want me to invest in it. Every time I brought it up, he seemed disinterested. And the other day, when I asked my followers on Twitter (www.twitter.com/iWearThePants87) one of them said they prefer their woman naked, and did not care much for lingerie. This goes against everything we are being told about men. We are sent subliminal messages by magazines, television, movies, etc. that lingerie is considered a treat and that it drives men wild. Do men think that lingerie is skanky? Are men threatened by a woman that already owns lingerie? Does it make men wonder how many men she has worn it for before? To be continued...

Single With Nowhere To Mingle

I remember back in high school, everywhere you went you could meet someone. At the mall, at school, walking down the street, or even at home in an AIM chat with your friends. Now, in my 20s it feels damn near impossible to meet someone, especially of substance. Clubs & bars seem to be the hot spot for someone looking for hook ups or a few dinner dates, but nothing serious. Been there, done that! Where does a person meet someone outside of clubs & bars? I find myself spending a lot of time wondering, where could I meet someone? I don't work, I just go to school full-time. So I can't meet someone at work. The pickings at school are slim to none (closer to none than slim). Occasionally I do find myself going over to a friend's house for get togethers and I meet people, but I feel as though I cannot date them b/c if it doesn't work I will have to see them again over there. I thought I was the only one having problems meeting men, but a friend of mine brought it up to me last night that she had the same problems. I realize that the only places I go outside of school are the grocery store, blockbuster, out to eat, and the mall. Now I've heard many stories of how you could meet a man at the grocery store, but thats so far-fetched. The only man I talk to in a grocery store is the cashier, and I don't want a middle aged man that rings up produce all day lol. Second location, blockbuster, could have some possibilities. But, then again how many times have you seen a hot guy there on a friday night? They must just buy movies from best buy or something lol. Third location, out to eat. Unless a bunch of guys go out to eat together, its a slim chance that you'll meet a hot guy unless you are in the bar section during game night. Seems like guys mostly go out to the movies & dinner when they are on dates with other chicks. Lastly, the mall. I have never met a man in the mall, even when I worked there. I guess the only solutions are to join a local gym, or start a new hobby like horseback riding, or meet a guy through your friends.

Is Sex the new Love?

Being a single woman I do realize that being single not only comes with the cravings of companionship, but also with another sort of painful suffering. Suffering that comes from hungering for sex and intimacy. This hunger, is too strong for even the most nimble fingers or powerful vibrator to satisfy. You, as any normal human being does, WANT TO GET LAID. There are many judgmental people in the world, and your friends may be some of them, that frown upon casual sex. But, everyone is different and it may be the answer. What works for them, may not be working for you. If all you want is sex, and cannot keep holding out for Mr. Right, then go for it. The question is, however, can sex serve as a substitute for Love? Can one TRULY be satisfied with sex and no longer crave love? I believe that it depends on the partner. If your sex partner is affectionate, attentive, and cuddles with you...it could be quite pleasant, there wouldn't be a feeling as though something more were missing. That is of course if you like that sort of thing. There are many women who are not in relationships that just want sex with no strings attached. They want hot meaningless sex without the cuddling or kissing, just a fix to get them through their love dry spell. I definitely don't blame them either. You never know when or even whether you will find love, so why go on punishing yourself? There is a downside though, you may still get your heartbroken. Sex can end up making you feel used if done with the wrong person, and may make you feel even lonelier. Sex could also lower your self esteem. if you are depending on your partner for validation of your self-worth. Sex is very intimate and though some people can keep a stronghold on their feelings, many people find themselves unable to fight the feelings that grow inside of them for their partner. So please proceed with caution. On the bright side: Who knows, your partner may end up being your next relationship. You never know ;)