All Dressed Up With Nowhere To Go

There comes a time in everyone's life where they put childish things aside and grow up. Where stagnant relationships with no future lack luster, and friendships with people who will not enrich your life become intolerable. I am only 24, but I have already started my settle down phase. I no longer desire to party at bars/clubs. I've lost the desire to wear revealing clothing. And I've found that I'd rather go without than to settle for casual sex & empty men. I haven't even tweeted anything that could be perceived as inappropriate for months. I have grown, matured, and changed so much in the past year. I put God and my family first. I am a devoted and dependable friend, and I treat others how I would like to be treated. I have had some accomplishments along the way as well, that I am super proud of. I have not had any children, in or out of wedlock. I have completed my Bachelor's degree, and will be starting my Masters in just a few weeks. I know what I want to be (Marriage Counselor with a specialization in Sex Therapy). I have a good job, that though I don't absolutely love it, I do my best at it. I have decided that I want to give back and volunteer with youth via Big Brothers, Big Sisters. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't use any drugs (unless aspirin counts lol). I have my own car that I pay for along with all of my other bills. I am emotionally prepared for love & a partnership. I have the maturity necessary to do things right. Communication, understanding, compromise, and most of all the desire to fight. Not to fight each other, but to fight for my relationship and for my other half. I am ready for the serious relationship that results in marriage. I'm ready for being with one person for the rest of my days. I've had my fun, I've lived it up. I have experienced what I've wanted to experience as a single woman. Anything left, I can experience with my mate. Whether its travel, new hobbies, etc...we could share those new experiences together and make memories. I'm ready for children, the house, the white picket fence. I'm ready. The problem? I'm all dressed up with nowhere to go. Men from my past & present share the same sentiment: "You're an amazing woman, I want to marry you & have children with you one day, BUT...not now. I'm not ready." In this society, it is truly the ppl that are bad for you...that you are drawn to. But, as you mature...you see that there is no stability or predictability with those types. I am in a place where I have decided that if you aren't ready, step out of the way so that someone that is can escort me to my destination. There is no gratification in being someone's back up plan. I know what I have to offer, and if you are intimidated bc you don't think that you are good enough for me...or that you don't deserve me, I understand. I can respect a man for that honesty & move forward without any ill feelings. But, if you're questioning my worth, you will lose. Bc, to think that I'll wait around while you figure it out, is another story altogether. I plan to be long gone by the time you have that epiphany. A good woman knows her value, and always knows when to leave. After my last relationship, I have truly realized my worth. This type of self-awareness is what will help me decipher the bullshitters/time wasters, from the stayers/future builders. 2012 doesn't look any more promising than any other year, but I will say that I am secure being alone. I don't mind being ready & left to wait. Even if he keeps me waiting, he's still on time...bc he's on God's time. All of these experiences are better molding me for him. So, that I can be the best wife that I can be to him, and the best mother to our children. So until he comes into my life, I'm prom night fresh and waiting by the door. I'm ready!

Objects In Mirror Closer Than They Appear

Wow! Who knew that the past was so close! Only made it two months: one month (dating) & one month (officially in a relationship) before the big guy upstairs blew the whistle. I must admit that I'm pretty hurt about it. Despite the short length of our relationship, I truly love him. Even still I have no ill feelings towards him, I want good things for him, and I want him to truly find happiness. It sucks that it's not with me, but hey...what can you do? I didn't know how to be in a relationship, first of all, bc I had been single for almost 4 years. He was accustomed to relationships with ppl that were more laid back than me. So, though the courtship was wonderful and swept me off of my feet...there came a time where it subsided. Where the sweet nothings just became plain ol nothing. I didn't know what to do to fix things except complain. Complaining led to disagreements, and feelings of inadequacy on his part. Another obstacle that added to our demise was my inability to provide him with the space and freedom he needed. I love him, so of course I wanted to spend as much time as we both could together, but he missed his friends and the ability to come and go as he pleased. Both of us are good people, and would probably make great boyfriends and girlfriends to other ppl, but as for us being together...it could never have worked as it is now. As sad as I feel, especially things ending so close to Christmas time, I can say that all is not lost. I have not left this relationship empty handed. I have so much that I have learned in this short period of time:

1. You cannot jump into a relationship quickly if you have trust issues. It is unfair to your partner, and will make your issues harder to deal with because now you are faced with trusting someone as you are getting to know them; basically trying to trust a perfect stranger.

2. You cannot expect someone to not see friends or go out just bc they are now in a relationship with you, that's where trust comes in.

3. You cannot try to control someone in an effort to prevent them from cheating on you. If someone wants to cheat on you, they will find a way. Plus, why wouldn't you want someone that you felt comfortable trusting? Why put yourself through the worry & grief?

4. Never give too much of yourself too early. Moderation is the key. If you give in increments, there is less to lose than to give everything at once.

5. Never beg anybody to give you attention or put you first. That is something that someone has to do willingly. If they cannot prioritize you, they are not ready for a serious relationship with you.

6. Never end a relationship out of anger. Bc even if your reasons for ending things are legitimate, you may regret it when you've cooled down.

7. And last, but not least, never tell someone of the commonalities that they share with an ex. Comparing dooms the relationship before its even started. They are an ex, bc they're no longer in the picture. Leave the past in the past.

So, like I said...definitely richer for the experience, will always love him, and I hope that we can one day be the best of friends. Til then I look forward to watching funny breakup movies like Forgetting Sarah Marshall and spending time with my girlfriends. I'm in no rush to move on. I plan to date, but I'm in no shape to be pursuing anything serious, right now. Who knows, if we maintain a friendship...maybe in a few years we could revisit the possibility of us. After we've had experiences with other people and done some growing. Only God knows. :)

Reality Check

This blog is a result of reality smacking me hard, right in the face. When I imagined love, I imagined a relationship with a man without flaws, that always understood me, and never hurt me. I imagined him to always know what to say, and when to say it. No disagreements, no different perspectives, no turbulence at all. I always thought that if any of that existed, the relationship was not one that would last. In the past month that I've been in my current relationship, everything has changed. Not for the worst, necessarily, but, it has changed. You can't be all sweet and polite forever I guess, so then the real comes. Everything from ex gf drama to trust issues and one person needing more space than the other. It's nothing like I imagined, and that makes it hard for me. I imagined that with the right person, there would be no problems. EVER. But, that was foolish of me to believe. Every couple has things that they cannot agree on. Every couple has to deal with exes of some sort (unless you're in Kindergarten or a virgin lol), and everyone has their own set of walls built and baggage. It's up to you as a couple how you handle it. Of course it may hurt that you want to spend every waking moment with someone, and that they don't feel the same; but, that's life. Everyone is entitled to their own level of comfort. Compromise is the key to happiness. Communicating and finding a happy medium with which both people are ok with. Also, it's important to remember that no one is perfect. Everyone, including you, is flawed. So, an obstacle that I had to encounter, that brought me back to reality, was that just because he can't read my mind, doesn't mean he is disqualified from being "The One". Granted, one month into a relationship isn't really the usual time that a couple encounters speed bumps, but I say better now than later. Better to face those obstacles now, and mold your communication skills early. Learn how each of you handles issues, and resolve them. This can eventually bring you closer. What I'm realizing is that since there is no chance at finding Mr. Perfect (because he doesn't exist), I need to focus on Mr. Perfect For Me. The hardest thing for me to come to terms with was that a disagreement didn't necessarily mean that a relationship was not salvageable. At the start of a disagreement I would think, "oh no! Does this mean that we have to end it?" Now, I'm starting to see that it's normal and that it doesn't mean that the relationship is a failure. There are going to be things that need to be brought up in order to ensure that everyone is getting what they need from the relationship, but nit picking and complaining constantly will just make your partner feel bad, resent you, and stop listening. In order to have a positive flow of communication, you have to pick your battles. Always having something negative to say, only puts a further strain on your relationship. So any criticism should be constructive and not meant to place blame or cause hurt. In conclusion: problems are going to arise in even the best relationship, people are going to disagree even if they like each other a whole lot, and people are going to have different needs than yours that also need to be met in order for them to be happy. I've learned a lot in this short period of time. I wonder what I'll learn next month. Lol.