Can a cheater change?

How much responsibility can someone take in cheating? With new diagnoses like "sex addiction" and other impulsive mental illnesses...how much responsibility can someone take for their actions? And how do you know that they won't repeat their actions. I've been in relationships where I thought someone was cheating...it was never proven...but, the thought alone drove me insane. How do you not allow that to carry over into a new relationship? If someone tells you that they've cheated in past relationships, regardless of the reason, is it believable that they could change? What if they can't trust themselves? What do you do then? I've been in a situation before where I was the guilty party, and I've been in a situation where I was the victim...situations where a guy got caught, and his gf (that I didn't even know about) called me...with all this in my rear view, it leaves me with so many questions. Is cheating an addiction that cannot be changed or is it just an excuse? I went a year without drinking, on two different occasions. I love to drink, but with the right mindset I was able to abstain...but, only for so long. Peer pressure, the genuine desire for it, and feeling like I was missing something...brought me back. I've decided to only drink on special occasions, in order to avoid any bad decisions that could be a product of over-indulging. But, back to cheating...can cheating be like drinking? You can change if you have a strong will, and genuinely want to...but, if not...it's just a matter of time before you repeat your offense. In my case, I only cheated on one person...it was the person that I was with the longest. That causes fears in me. Like, could it be that I only cheated on him bc of specific factors (unhappiness,long distance,distrust,lack of respect), or that I just can't be with one person for long? I want to believe that I can be honest, faithful, and true...but, this one incident of indiscretion has greatly affected my sense of confidence in my ability to do that. I think that with the right person, even the worst cheater could be faithful. But, in the same breath...it would be hard for me to trust someone else that's cheated in the past. But, just as someone that has never cheated has the ability to start, someone that has also has the ability to stop. Fuck it! I'm ready. I know that after four years, I'm older and wiser. I believe in my heart, that I won't repeat those same mistakes. I saw how the relationship turned for the worst afterwards. I don't ever want to hurt or be hurt like that again. I now see that faithfulness is a decision. You decide to be with one person. If, I find myself unable to maintain that, I promise to just walk away from the relationship all together. I am writing this with a stuffy/runny nose lol...so it may sound like it's all over the place. Just thinking out loud.

New song by Melanie Fiona on the same subject:

Cuff & Book Me

I love me some hip hop/rap...but, my true love is r&b. I especially, love neo-soul music. I was listening to my iPod, as I drove into work today and India Arie's "Ready For Love" came on. I love India, I feel like most of her songs have a wonderful message; but this one in particular stuck with me. The opening verse says, "I am ready for love, why are you hiding from me? I'd quickly give my freedom, to be held in your captivity." Wow! Take a moment to absorb what this woman is saying. She is using a metaphor to describe the loss of freedom, that is entering a committed relationship. That is soooooo deep! I am a romantic at heart, and am fascinated by the idea of love. But, the thought of a committed relationship terrifies me. To give up access to every other option; and to be content with the one you chose. That is a scary decision, and not one to be takenly lightly. However, as scary as it is...love is something that all of us want. To finally meet someone worth giving up the life of complete autonomy? THAT is beautiful! I've gotten to the point in my life, where I have achieved the realization that is...long lasting relationships cannot be formed without a concrete friendship as their foundation. So, I find myself preferring the friend route to the whirlwind romances. If things progress, wonderful! If not, you have a good friend of the opposite sex that you can learn many things from. Because with those whirlwind romances, it is all chemical. You have lust playing a factor in your decisions, and also infatuation. You really don't even know this person that you are fabricating these seemingly strong feelings for. To rush into a committment with a stranger is completely foolish and how so many people end up realizing too late, that what they had wasn't real. I feel as though, when it's right...I will feel it. I will slowly get to know them, study them, and then make my decision. I won't feel like I'm standing on a cliff with them, unsure of whether to jump or not. I will feel like India, I'll be sure that I want to take it to the next level with them. I will happily extend both arms and say, lock me up! I gladly give up my freedom, because I will know in my heart...that you won't mistreat me. That's love.

Here's the link for the video:

Oh Helllllllll Naw!

Let me start by saying that "Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten". That is a statistic, among many others, that I found on http://domesticviolencestatistics.org/domestic-violence-statistics/. Now, as many assholes that I've dated...they've NEVER talked crazy to me or put their hands on me. (Thank God for that!) I cannot understand for the life of me, what could motivate someone to stay with someone that does not treat them well. In the past, my complaints with men, were mostly concerning their lack of caring. They didn't care enough to keep dates, or they didn't care that I was sad and crying, they just plain didn't give a fuck. But, I have never had a man demean me by calling me names or belittling me (unless of course I cut him off, but that's to be expected...its freakin over at that point). But, to go to the next level and put your hands on a woman? I've met women that say they are strong women...and that they were just taken by surprise when their mate did lash out...and that they genuinely believed that it was a one time thing or even that they could change. My father, isn't a big man...he's about 145, about 5'7", and he has never even raised his voice to my mother. He respects her. Growing up in a household, where your parents love each other and speak to each other with that level of respect; you come to expect that same decency from someone that you date. I was discussing this with a friend, a little while ago, concerning her ex. She said that her ex, always talked down to her...and made her feel dumb. Then I asked her, has he ever hit you? She said no. I asked her again, did he ever hit you? She said...no, but he has picked me up and thrown me. WTF?! Ladies...does picking u up and throwing u not constitute as abuse? I don't even feel like verbal abuse is excusable. If a man will yell at you, or call you names...what's to say that one day he won't escalate and put hands on you? Just like any other person...if a woman was to get in your face and yell at you...you'd feel threatened right? Your heart would start pounding, and you would go into fight or flight mode. You should never feel that way with a lover. Lover = the polar opposite of fighter, remember that. There has to be a level low self-esteem, or lack of self-worth in a woman that allows herself to be mistreated. I know a woman in particular that said, "never say never". I don't think that's a fair statement. Just because you allowed a man to mishandle you, does not mean every woman would. You are supposed to love yourself more than any of these men out here...and if you don't hell yeah you're going to get your ass beat and stick around. You don't think that you're worthy of love and honor anyway. Take a second and reevaluate yourself. If you have been a victim of domestic violence and stayed, what message are you sending? It's ok for you to mistreat/abuse me, I am willing to stay if it happens again, and I love you more than I love myself. Completely unacceptable. As a woman, you need to have standards in place, of things that you will tolerate and will NOT tolerate; prior to entering a relationship. My one girl said, she was okay with yelling or arguing, as long as it didn't get physical. No! That is not okay. Now don't get me wrong, every couple is going to disagree sometime...but, to get loud with each other and in each other's face? Definitely unacceptable. IF I treat you with kindness, understanding, and respect...I expect the same treatment, if not better, from you. If you know how to communicate with each other respectfully, there should be no reason for things to get physical. Now, some women...y'all be asking for an ass whooping, and y'all know who you are. Do NOT get in a man's face, don't push him, don't call him names for NOT hitting you (ex: you not gon hit me, bc you're a punk ass bitch.), just don't provoke him period. If you provoke anyone, eventually you will get a reaction. I personally don't feel sorry for someone that pushes someone to hit them. You fuckin asked for the shit, and if you stick around after you get it...you're a dumb ass bitch. Point blank period. You need to get your self-worth, esteem, and self-respect together. Now, there is also the group of women that are not the stereotype of the slick talking woman, that nags & nags, and tries to face off with a man. These women, genuinely don't see the abuse coming. The man flips over something small, (for ex: she overcooked his eggs, not burnt, but more cooked than he wanted them) and he goes off. Yeah, you didn't provoke it, but you still have the control. It's up to you whether you accept the phony apology and gifts, or leave him alone and find someone better. Abusive men like to rush relationships. Why? Plain and simple...they can't be nice for too long, so they rush into relationships or marriage. Also, abusive men like to have you move in with them or to a state/country where you don't have a support system (friends/family). That way, they can have you to themselves...and can control you as they please. Also, abusive men...show signs way before they ever get to the point of hurting you. An abusive man is easily angered. He gets overly upset when he can't reach you, or when you are busy. An abusive man does not like when you are opinionated, or disagree with him. He makes comments that infer that he is better than you, smarter than you, and is obnoxious about it. Sadly, more times than not, abusive men never change...so your best bet is to leave that fool and work on you. I pray to God that I am never in this situation, but woman to woman...you should never let a man treat you in a disrespectful manner. You have more power over that than you think.

This song describes what I'd have to do, if a man were ever that stupid: