Cuff & Book Me

I love me some hip hop/rap...but, my true love is r&b. I especially, love neo-soul music. I was listening to my iPod, as I drove into work today and India Arie's "Ready For Love" came on. I love India, I feel like most of her songs have a wonderful message; but this one in particular stuck with me. The opening verse says, "I am ready for love, why are you hiding from me? I'd quickly give my freedom, to be held in your captivity." Wow! Take a moment to absorb what this woman is saying. She is using a metaphor to describe the loss of freedom, that is entering a committed relationship. That is soooooo deep! I am a romantic at heart, and am fascinated by the idea of love. But, the thought of a committed relationship terrifies me. To give up access to every other option; and to be content with the one you chose. That is a scary decision, and not one to be takenly lightly. However, as scary as it is...love is something that all of us want. To finally meet someone worth giving up the life of complete autonomy? THAT is beautiful! I've gotten to the point in my life, where I have achieved the realization that is...long lasting relationships cannot be formed without a concrete friendship as their foundation. So, I find myself preferring the friend route to the whirlwind romances. If things progress, wonderful! If not, you have a good friend of the opposite sex that you can learn many things from. Because with those whirlwind romances, it is all chemical. You have lust playing a factor in your decisions, and also infatuation. You really don't even know this person that you are fabricating these seemingly strong feelings for. To rush into a committment with a stranger is completely foolish and how so many people end up realizing too late, that what they had wasn't real. I feel as though, when it's right...I will feel it. I will slowly get to know them, study them, and then make my decision. I won't feel like I'm standing on a cliff with them, unsure of whether to jump or not. I will feel like India, I'll be sure that I want to take it to the next level with them. I will happily extend both arms and say, lock me up! I gladly give up my freedom, because I will know in my heart...that you won't mistreat me. That's love.

Here's the link for the video:

How quickly we forget...

As I sat at work tonight, I reminisced over the men that I have dated in the year that I have lived in Denver and found myself remembering them fondly. I genuinely cared about each of the men that I had mini-romances with. From the one in Green Valley Ranch that introduced me to Blackhawk, and took me on my first few dates in Denver. The one, that lived out in Westminster and made passionate love to me for hours. The one, that I especially cared for, that showed me loving, tenderness and introduced me to new heights of adventurous sex (outdoor jacuzzi, pool chair, backseat of his cadillac, etc). Then, last, but not least...the one that was always happy to hear from me & always available to see me. They ALL made me so happy, until they didn't. I guess that's how it is though. But, now that I've taken the time away from dating (2 & 1/2 months roughly), I can finally focus on myself and accomplishing the goals that I want to reach in the near future. In order, for me to move forward in a positive direction, for when I do decide to revisit dating; I must re-evaluate these past relationships and decipher where I mis-stepped. What did I do wrong, that these relationships all went south or never progressed to begin with? I understand, that a lot of women blame the men...but, I'm sure that my own pride, distrust, insensitivity, and demanding nature played a part in it. Also, it is I that chose to date these men & take them back, even when at times they did not deserve it. All in the spirit of being fair and understanding. But, sometimes by being fair to someone else, you are not being fair to yourself. When looking back, instead of focusing on why I ended things; I consider, instead, their positives and end up taking them back. Which as you can probably guess, only resulted in a similar ending. Funny, how quickly we forget.

The Side Effects Of Clubbing

Sooo....after numerous years of clubbing (in the DC area, and now in Denver)...I've come to many conclusions and have had an epiphany. Different people use the club and other club goers to meet different needs. And when I say needs, I mean a desire to fulfill something other than the known purpose of going to a club (to have fun with friends, drink, etc.) For example, a man may go to the club in order to meet a woman to have sex with, or to get over an ex, or to find a woman to cheat with, or to prove to himself that he can get blank # of girls, or even prove to himself that he is straight. A woman may go out to get validation from men in the form of attention/compliments/phone number exchanged, or to get over an ex, or to find her next dating prospect. The reason why this is so important is because it leads to my epiphany. Did you notice how the woman has a relationship as a prospective result of meeting someone in the club, but many men do not? I will not generalize completely, because I do not know EVERY or MOST men, so I will just say many. At the risk of offending some of my readers, I will keep it ALL the way real with y'all. The men that go to the club, should not even be considered for relationships. Why? Let me explain. The man in the club is a smooth talking, skirt chasing, drunk. Mind you, there are exceptions...but, for the most part they are not the type of man that settles down easily. So why are we, as women even considering them for more than sex, when that is all they see when they look at us? In the club, men aren't hunting down the women that are covered up and that have "nice personalities". They are looking for the chick with the shortest dress on and the biggest booty. It is simply a meat market to them. Now, this is important, because women dress according to these standards. We dress up in something sexy, put on expensive perfume, MAC makeup, do our hair, etc....all to receive validation from dudes that should not even matter. If a man that is handsome, but has three kids, and lives with his momma does not give you the time of day in the club, why should you be offended? He never should have been given the position to judge your worth. I remember going to the club, all dolled up, and getting SO much attention. It made me feel great, it boosted my self-esteem, and put a pep in my step. But, the nights where I would go out and get no play, I'd go home sad...sometimes even cry myself to sleep, because I didn't understand why no one wanted me. It is not healthy to set such high importance on the opinions of strangers, especially when they don't matter. Honestly, it shouldn't even matter if I got no hollas or a hundred, if you know you looked good...that's all that matters. Especially, because I would not date a man that I met in the club anyway. I do not like men that drink, smoke, have children, are divorced, are unemployed, and like to party. These are not habits, nor the lifestyle that I want a prospective partner to have. So WHY THE FUCK, does it matter to me whether they find me attractive or not? Why give someone that you do not consider worthy enough to date, the power to make you feel good or bad about yourself or your appearance? It is just interesting to me. And not every woman is like that, some genuinely go out just for fun. And not every man in the club is a bum or only looking for sex. But, I am discussing a specific type of club-head. You do not ask a lawyer for medical advice right, so why ask a man that does not fit your standards to elevate your self-esteem? He simply does not qualify. Love yourself, be yourself, and be comfortable in your skin. Know what you want, before you let the wrong things get the best of you. That is something that I am quickly learning about the club. It all depends on how you feel, if you feel sexy....you don't need to receive a single compliment to be secure in that. Of course attention is nice, but wouldn't you rather have attention from a man that is of a different caliber? Perhaps one that you met at Border's while he was reading a W.E.B. Dubois book? One with common interests, education level, and ideals as you? Hope this post made sense, because I am trying to write it at 5 in the morning, post-club while the thoughts are still fresh in my head. As far as the club, I had taken a two-three month break from it, but have revisited it twice this week...I think I am better off doing something more productive with my time. The club does not enrich your life, or help you reach your goals, and it certainly puts you in danger. In danger of getting in an altercation/being caught in the middle of someone else's altercation, in danger of falling weak to the temptation of drugs & alcohol, and in danger of ending up with a low-life. Sooo...with that said, back to surrounding myself with positive things.

Forget Me Not: FWBs Edition

Forget me nots are a beautiful type of flower. They came to my mind tonight when I got a text from a guy that I haven't talked to in like a week. He texts me short meaningless responses and then calls me to talk about....nothing. The most painfully boring convos I've ever had. He said, he didn't know me well enough to pursue a relationship, yet did not even try to get to know me. He was only good for a nut, which I realized early on...and I was cool with that. But, now that I want more (not necessarily from him of course...he's a fuckin asshole), he is no longer appealing. My standards for a fuck buddy are way lower than that for a serious committed relationship (as they should be). Soooo...when he texts me a week after he told me he'd call me RIGHT back, hell yeah I'm mad. WTF? Ignore! I can't get with that shit. It's so interesting to me, how a woman can be so respectful to a fuck buddy, but a lot of dudes don't operate that way. Just bc it's a FWB situation doesn't mean you have to act uninterested until the next time you want some. Texting me some bull shit talking about you miss me. How come in the movies coming out lately (mostly white folks) are engaging in casual sex and actually hang out too? The true meaning of friends with benefits. Not make small talk, fuck, and go home. Another thing....how skewed is our society that we will share our bodies (something that has been sacred to us) with a stranger/person we barely know; and put ourselves at risk for STDs & pregnancy....but, will not put our heart out there? I'd rather have my heart broken a million times than catch something I can't get rid of, or have a baby by someone that I am not married to. But, that's just me...I am a realist and logically that shit does NOT make sense. I could sit here and blame hip hop, for the black man's degradation of the black woman...but, I won't...bc this isn't only in the black community. Hollywood is just selling this idea as the new "Happily Ever After". Two people have casual sex, spend time together, and fall for each other anyway. Movies like "No Strings Attached", "Going The Distance", & "Friends With Benefits" all have that in common as their premise. I have never ended up falling in love and committing to anyone that I've had casual sex with. And I can honestly say that all of my sexual partners except one have been casual (And by casual I mean, not a committed relationship. Not one night stands). Why is that? Another question...does a history of casual sex cause one to disconnect from emotional attachment during sex? It would make sense, whether out of habit or as a defense mechanism, or hell both. I feel as though I have jumped around a lot during this post (hope some of you were able to follow my train of thought), my main point is...why can't you establish boundaries in a FWB relationship, and still be friends? Why can't you be seen in public together, go out to dinner/movies, talk on the phone? Friends do all of that. Why is it that you have to hit it, and then forget it until it's been too long and you need it again? In his defense, he did call me on days that I was at work or that he had to work in the morning...just to talk....but, the convo didn't stimulate either of our minds. I need a man that will FORGET ME NOT.

I'm done kissing toads...

My last post was a very positive one. I met a great guy. He was kind, patient, understanding, all of the good stuff. I overlooked the negatives though, which wasn't wise. I know that I want a man that shares my faith in God, and that does not have children, and he also did not appeal to me physically. Furthermore, if I had settled down with him....it would have been more settling than anything. But, in the moment I was blinded. Blinded by the possibility of being in a relationship again. More so to rub it in the face of the past "best thing I never had" type dudes, than to actually build something real with someone. Those are not the right intentions; and to try to force something with someone that is lacking some major qualities that you desire is shortchanging yourself. I realized the hard way (as usual), that I needed to leave him alone and just focus on me. Because, clearly I am out of tune with what it is that I truly desire from the opposite sex and from love. This blog marks a new chapter in my life. The one where I come into my own and focus less on dating and more on me. I have to stop blaming men for my dating life. Don't get me wrong, the men that I've dated have overwhelmingly been assholes, but I picked them. In fact, as women we have so much say in what happens to us and that gives us so much control. I was ready to drop all of my fun to settle with a man that I was lukewarm about, because HE was ready. And if you've read my prior blog entries, you'll know how rare it is that the man is the one ready to settle down. So, I figured that I'd jump on the chance and sike myself out into believing I liked him until the true feelings came along. It sounds stupid now...but, in the moment I truly believed that it would work. Safe to say, as soon as he thought that he had me and that I was devoted to him...he showed his true colors (cue the Beyonce) and I saw the real him. I let him go, and decided no more; I refuse to keep kissing toads. It is not rewarding, and distracts you from the important things: God, family, and friends. I'm good on that. I am currently devoted in a selfish love affair with myself, and it will take somewhere very special to change THAT relationship status. :)

Had Me At Hello....

After writing countless blogs about failed attempts at finding love, thought that I would dust off my blog and update you on the happenings of my life. I have met someone :). I did not go out looking for him, AT ALL. He walked straight up to me, in regards to a professional matter and I was immediately drawn to him. His swag, was unparalleled. Maybe it was his confidence, or his NY accent that made him stand out to me. Also, the fact that he did not come up to me trying to "holla" peaked my interest and immediately made me want him...BAD. So, I gently rejected his offer, and informed him that my interest is in him. He knew exactly what I meant. So we exchanged numbers and stayed in contact. Our first date was a flop lol, but despite that we went out again. I have no idea why I gave him another chance, but I was not disappointed. He was a perfect gentleman the second time around and swept me off of my feet. I was on cloud 9, and telling him that he was my boo. He told me that there is a certain standard that he expected from a boo. I was not happy with the standards in question, and also my pride wouldn't let me give in to someone else's demands....no matter how much I was starting to like them. By the end of that convo, we both got the point that it was over between us. Right when things were going good too :-/ Sad, right? I know...but, it isn't over lol. I ran into his friend when I went out bc he did security at a bunch of the clubs, and I asked about him. He went back and told him that I was asking about him...so he sent me a text. At first I was embaressed that his friend snitched on me, but it was a good thing. We started communicating again, with a text here and there. The second time I saw his friend, the convo we had convinced me that I still liked ol' boy and had to have him back, even if it meant giving in. I called him and saw him that very same night. Those butterflies were still in my stomach and his smile assured me that he felt the same. I don't know why we keep coming back to each other if it isn't for a higher purpose. Seeing him again, made me realize that we could pick up from where we left off and that I was making the right decision. Now, a few weeks later he and I are getting closer by the day. He is quickly becoming one of my best friends, and teaching me so much about how a relationship is supposed to be. About the importance of having a strong foundation and realistic expectations. He has taught me about compromise, understanding, patience, and respect. And I am still learning more and more each day. Ironically, it is I that wants to take it slow. Funny, right? After being so desperate for love and companionship, I am now the party with the cold feet. But, in my heart I know that he is the one for me. I just need time for my brain to catch up with my heart. It'll be soon, I am sure of it. :) <3

Any Volunteers?

So...I am over here discussing matters of the heart with my cousin Rahwa, and came to a conclusion. Men do not value their sex organs as highly as they do their heart and don't understand it when we do. Because it seems like a man is quick to volunteer his penis, but not his heart. Oh no, you have to work for that! Really?! How does that work out? That's not what I'm looking for. I do not want a man that tries to jump into bed with every woman they come across. Like real talk, if I tell u I don't wanna send u naked pics, or have sex with you...respect that shit and pick one of the following choices: keep talking to me, but in a respectful manner, or go find some chick that'll give you what you want. Why would I compromise my self-respect for someone who won't work with me? Ok, so I'm supposed to give you everything you want and get nothing in return? No, selfish ass! That's not fair. And I don't care that life isn't always fair, this is something that can be controlled. You can control whether or not you meet someone halfway. I'm always roped in by these Casonova ass jigelows that pretend to be a sweet guy that is so intrigued by my beauty and result in being a dog that just wanted to bone. I'm sooooo over it. Like real talk, I need a sign on my forehead that says, "if my value is limited to what's between my legs, let me know now." If I'm 23, and looking for consistency, companionship, and love....wtf am I gonna do with an asshole that justs wants to get what he can from me sexually and move on. I am not a vessel to be used for your pleasure and discarded afterwards. I honestly don't understand how someone could even look at me and even come to that conclusion...that I'm just good for sex. I am a college grad, keep myself up, have a good paying job, have my own car that I make the payments on, ( I feel like I'm constantly listing these qualities in my head b/c I still don't get it) and deserve the utmost respect. Men are supposed to be coming at me correct, or getting lost. But, they still try that dumb shit. Funny thing about that is, you can lose out on love chasing sex...but, you won't lose out on sex chasing love. Sex is inevitable in a loving, committed relationship. Just wait, and get to know the person and the sex will come. No one said that it had to be eliminated completely. I don't know what it is about men today, but they're not playing by the rules or fair. I'm not interested in your penis quite yet...I want that heart. Any volunteers?

When Did Women Start Courting Men?

For as long as I have been living on God's green earth, it has been stressed to me by my parents that I am a woman deserving of the best treatment and respect. I expect a man to treat me accordingly and to behave as a gentleman. I am also familiar with the different roles each gender is expected to play. The man is expected to romance a woman, sweep her off of her feet, if you will, and express his interest to her until she gives in and reciprocates those same feelings of romance. But, what throws me off, is that some woman totally disregard those roles and take on the role of the man. They won't let a man pay for them, they cook for a man that hasn't even taken them out on a date yet, and spend money on them. I am tired of seeing women tricking on men. Like seriously, if chivalry is dead, y'all the ones that killed it. Why would a man feel the need to take you out and treat you how he is supposed to if you are giving him an easy way out? By not allowing a man to fulfill his role, you are keeping him from being a man. Only a weak and prideless man would allow a woman to pay for him wherever they go. But, women are at fault too, can't blame a man for taking advantage of your foolishness. #1 no no: Offering/agreeing to go see a man at his house for a first date is not the way to start a serious love affair. You are burning up your gas, and he is not contributing anything financially. Not to mention the fact that going over his house gives him a shorter and faster route to THE GOODs. Another thing that really urks me to see, is a woman that will pay for not only her own food/drink (which I refuse to do, make that man work!), but will also pay for the man?! *I just threw up in my mouth at the thought* That's no no # 2. How you start the arrangement off, sets the tone for how things will go from then on. If you were chillin' at his crib watching tv, and paying for y'all food...don't expect him to wake up one day and take you out to the Cheesecake Factory for a fancy dinner on his dime. Because it ain't happening! There is no reason for a woman to "court" a man. You should not be in the kitchen slaving for a man that you barely know, in exchange for his affection. We should be in control of the relationship. Let the man be a man and court you. Let him take you out, treat you to dinner, and show you a good time. We are worth a man that will put in work to have us all to himself. Stop spending up all your money on a man that isn't doing his part. You will just end up broke and alone.

Is Sex Mandatory In A Modern Day Relationship?

This blog is a follow up to another blog I wrote called: Can You Have A Relationship Without Sex? I was just reading Glamour magazine, when I realized that even magazines are influencing the importance of sex in modern day relationships. As a woman there are few magazine options that I can relate to. I cannot relate to the fashion magazines, because I do not care about fashion that much to go through 100s of pages of nothing but clothes. Next there are housekeeping magazines, I am too young to care about how to decorate my house or how to make a quick meal for the kids after a long day at work. Then, there are Bride magazines, which might as well just be considered a fashion mag, because they are nothing but a wedding dress catalogue. So I gravitate towards magazines like Glamour and Cosmopolitan, because for the most part, they get me. They show helpful skincare tips, a little bit of up to date fashion, and even stories that range from funny to tear-jerking. Most of their tips are almost always on point too, I love how much they care about healthy eating and exercise. Overall they are great magazines, and that is why I have been purchasing them for so many years. But I had an epiphany today, these magazines are written to appeal to a reader that is sexually active. Let me tell you why I believe this. Here are a few article titles in this month's issue of Glamour (pictured above): "Katy Perry Shares Her Sex Confidence Tips", "101 Things No One Tells You About Guys: Their Sex Desires, Their Body Hang-ups And The Real Reason They Cheat", "52 Things He's Really Thinking About You. (Which include subcategories like: 7 Things He's Thinking When You Try A New Move In Bed, 7 Things He's Thinking When You're Naked, 4 Things He's Thinking When You Watch Porn With Him)" And this is actually the milder magazine, Cosmopolitan's February 2010 issue has sex all over its new cover! Here a few article titles from their new cover: "99 Sex Moves: Sweet and Slow, Quick and Dirty, and Everything In Between.", "The Hour Men Crave Sex Most", "Unleash Your Cheeks!: Why Guys Stopped Loving The Thong." The sad part is that there are probably several more sex stories in Cosmo, if that much sex is on the cover. So what are these magazines trying to say? The audience, in my opinion, for this magazine ranges from the ages of 18-35. Which is a wide range of ages, but why assume that ALL of these women are sexually active? Why put the pressure on young people to have sex? This is the Valentine's Day issue too. Are they saying that the only way to celebrate Valentine's Day with your significant other is in bed wearing racy lingerie and trying new sex moves on your man? If woman's magazine's are this biased about sex, I'd hate to pick up a men's magazine. Their covers are raunchy enough.

Magazines, media, friends, many influences in our lives tell us that sex is a mandatory or socially accepted part of relationships. But, sex is not mandatory. You are not weird for being a virgin, or celibate and wanting to wait until marriage. That is your personal choice, and that should not make a person feel like they are less of a good pick for respecting themselves or their religion that much, or simply not being ready. Do not let the pressures outside of your relationships affect your relationships.

Love Induced PTSD

Sooo...I was just on Twitter when RevRunWisdom tweeted "Ladies::: If want a mate.. Don't build walls,, Build bridges.." That is so much easier said than done. It is not that easy to forget the pain you've suffered. I am shell-shocked! So its only natural that I have my defenses up. It is so much easier to scare people away, and cut them off at the first red flag than it is to truly let yourself fall for someone. I am afraid. I am not ashamed to say it. I am afraid to relive the near death I felt when my last relationship ended. I am scared to love someone and have them hurt me. To lay in bed crying, and wake up everyday feeling like throwing up. It took a lot of strength to get over it, I don't think that I have it in me to go through it again. I don't deserve it!

No woman deserves it. So it is only natural that we build up our defenses in order to protect our hearts. What is wrong with a woman wanting to be secure in a man/romantic situation before she gives a man her heart? Isn't that the way it should be? I don't want to be misunderstood, I am not saying that a woman should punish every single man for the mistakes of other, but she must be cautious. Most dogs have the same ol' tricks...I feel as though the right man will be able to break through those walls and rebuild them around the both of you.

Lingerie: Sexy or Skanky?

Lingerie. It is feminine, soft, and makes a woman feel sexy. Lingerie signifies every good girl's *naughty side*. Many women's magazines encourage women to wear lingerie. These magazines (eg: Glamour, Cosmopolitan) say that men love lingerie, reenforcing our own preconceptions of what turns the opposite sex on. Cosmopolitan even occasionally shows different types of lingerie and tells which lingerie is the most flattering for each body type. I like that they do that, it lets regular women know that they don't have to look like a VS angel to look and feel sexy in lingerie. But now, there is a question on my mind...what do men REALLY think of lingerie?

I personally have never owned any lingerie, but I did have an X-boyfriend that thought lingerie was a bit much and didn't want me to invest in it. Every time I brought it up, he seemed disinterested. And the other day, when I asked my followers on Twitter (www.twitter.com/iWearThePants87) one of them said they prefer their woman naked, and did not care much for lingerie. This goes against everything we are being told about men. We are sent subliminal messages by magazines, television, movies, etc. that lingerie is considered a treat and that it drives men wild. Do men think that lingerie is skanky? Are men threatened by a woman that already owns lingerie? Does it make men wonder how many men she has worn it for before? To be continued...

Single With Nowhere To Mingle

I remember back in high school, everywhere you went you could meet someone. At the mall, at school, walking down the street, or even at home in an AIM chat with your friends. Now, in my 20s it feels damn near impossible to meet someone, especially of substance. Clubs & bars seem to be the hot spot for someone looking for hook ups or a few dinner dates, but nothing serious. Been there, done that! Where does a person meet someone outside of clubs & bars? I find myself spending a lot of time wondering, where could I meet someone? I don't work, I just go to school full-time. So I can't meet someone at work. The pickings at school are slim to none (closer to none than slim). Occasionally I do find myself going over to a friend's house for get togethers and I meet people, but I feel as though I cannot date them b/c if it doesn't work I will have to see them again over there. I thought I was the only one having problems meeting men, but a friend of mine brought it up to me last night that she had the same problems. I realize that the only places I go outside of school are the grocery store, blockbuster, out to eat, and the mall. Now I've heard many stories of how you could meet a man at the grocery store, but thats so far-fetched. The only man I talk to in a grocery store is the cashier, and I don't want a middle aged man that rings up produce all day lol. Second location, blockbuster, could have some possibilities. But, then again how many times have you seen a hot guy there on a friday night? They must just buy movies from best buy or something lol. Third location, out to eat. Unless a bunch of guys go out to eat together, its a slim chance that you'll meet a hot guy unless you are in the bar section during game night. Seems like guys mostly go out to the movies & dinner when they are on dates with other chicks. Lastly, the mall. I have never met a man in the mall, even when I worked there. I guess the only solutions are to join a local gym, or start a new hobby like horseback riding, or meet a guy through your friends.

Is Sex the new Love?

Being a single woman I do realize that being single not only comes with the cravings of companionship, but also with another sort of painful suffering. Suffering that comes from hungering for sex and intimacy. This hunger, is too strong for even the most nimble fingers or powerful vibrator to satisfy. You, as any normal human being does, WANT TO GET LAID. There are many judgmental people in the world, and your friends may be some of them, that frown upon casual sex. But, everyone is different and it may be the answer. What works for them, may not be working for you. If all you want is sex, and cannot keep holding out for Mr. Right, then go for it. The question is, however, can sex serve as a substitute for Love? Can one TRULY be satisfied with sex and no longer crave love? I believe that it depends on the partner. If your sex partner is affectionate, attentive, and cuddles with you...it could be quite pleasant, there wouldn't be a feeling as though something more were missing. That is of course if you like that sort of thing. There are many women who are not in relationships that just want sex with no strings attached. They want hot meaningless sex without the cuddling or kissing, just a fix to get them through their love dry spell. I definitely don't blame them either. You never know when or even whether you will find love, so why go on punishing yourself? There is a downside though, you may still get your heartbroken. Sex can end up making you feel used if done with the wrong person, and may make you feel even lonelier. Sex could also lower your self esteem. if you are depending on your partner for validation of your self-worth. Sex is very intimate and though some people can keep a stronghold on their feelings, many people find themselves unable to fight the feelings that grow inside of them for their partner. So please proceed with caution. On the bright side: Who knows, your partner may end up being your next relationship. You never know ;)

Mr. Ambitionless

I've met too many of these men in my life. Men who lack ambition and goals and are totally complacent in their situation. These are the men who live with their parents with no plans of getting their own place. The men who work at the dead-end jobs with no plans to move up. Last but not least: the men who do not have a degree, do not go to college and have no plans of doing so. I am a woman who is well on my way to finishing up my undergrad and plan to pursue law school. Why on earth would I wanna be with a bum that flips burgers while living with his mama and is happy doing so? What kind of future would we have? I need a man by my side that is as ambitious as me so that we can motivate eachother to succeed. It would be different if I was in the same boat as these men and had only a highschool education and worked at Wal-Mart or something but I don't. So I don't have to tolerate that, because there really is no purpose in me falling in love with a man that does not have the means to give me what I want out of life. I am striving to get these degrees so that I can be as successful as possible to make a comfortable life for myself, my children, and my parents/siblings. I am not working this hard for someone to come in and enjoy the benefits of my blood, sweat, and tears when they are only contributing 1/3 or a 1/4 of my income. B/c with those numbers...I would be better off living alone, because my income is going to be alot for a single person but isn't enough if I have to share my income with someone making considerably less. If you cannot carry your weight, don't get mad at me. Be mad at yourself for not being on my level.

Unspoken Rules & Expectations

I'm sure that I am not the only woman that has a set of rules instilled in her head before she even talks to any man. These rules are things that a woman will not tolerate or deal with from a man that she is dating. Granted men are not mind readers and therefore will break a few rules here and there unintentionally, but in reality some of the rules are common sensical. I will post a couple of my rules as an example (in no specific order):

1. Do not stand me up. If you cannot make it, tell me as soon as you know so that I can plan my evening accordingly. If you couldn't call me because of some crazy situation, I can be understanding if you contact me as soon as a phone is available to you and the first thing you do is apologize to me and try to do something to make it up to me. That shows you respect my time. However if you call me acting like nothing happened, that will get you fussed out.
2. Do not try to come to the crib as our "first date". Take me out somewhere. It doesn't have to be the boring old dinner & a movie either...be creative. I really don't like dudes coming to my crib, b/c they dunno how to act around a bed...which leads me to #3
   
3. Do not, I repeat DO NOT try to have sex with me the first few times you come over to my apartment. That is disrespectful on so many levels. That is a turnoff and will make me think that all you want me for is sex, and I aint sticking around for that! Some men will say that all men will try, and you can't fault em but I disagree. Because if you wanted to wife me you wouldn't have to rush sex, b/c you aint plannin on going anywhere. Am I right? Also, if you get mad when I give u a no when u start to try something, you are DEFINITELY not a keeper. U lucky I told u then...instead of when it REALLY got hot & heavy. Because I don't owe u squat.
   
4. Do not tell me you will call me RIGHT back or in however many minutes and then not do it. I won't say anything the first few times, but really it is inconsiderate and will eventually earn you a fuss out. Bottom line do not say you will call me back at a certain time unless you plan to.

That's really all I can think of right now that really urks me. You would think that it is common sense, but clearly it is not. Ofcourse, I have some expectations that are not really common sensical, therefore I do not hold it against a man, but it will make me unsatisfied to not have it. I love romance, its in a Libra's nature. I love the roses, the chocolates, the sweet cards, and what not. I believe I deserve to be courted regardless of this being 2009, chivalry is not dead. I think that its just that the chivalrous men are holding out for someone worth their chivalry, i.e. ME! I am optimistic in the fact that the suffering I am doing now in this lover's bootcamp is temporary and I will be rewarded with a good man who knows all the rules before I tell him and doesn't need to be guided through romance...he wants to do it on his own and thinks it all up himself. Thats what I'm holding out for.

Where They Do That At?!?!

Wow so apparently there are men that exist that invite women out to dates and then pull a switcheroo. I am talking about begging to take you out and then when the check comes decide to split it or even ask you to cover them. WHERE THE HELL DO THEY DO THAT AT? I have never had this happened to me personally, but that is pretty damn trifiling. Let me explain the logic of it. How are you takin me out if you neither pick me up or pay for my food? As my cousin Rahwa put it, why not just call it a meeting if you don't plan on treating, because that aint a date! If I am going to a movie or a dinner that I wouldn't have otherwise gone to if you hadn't invited me, why would I want to pay for it? I woulda been better off just stayin home. To be real. Straight up, fellas aint gon like this but I DON'T CARE! A true gentleman takes a woman out on a date with the intentions of paying, no need to fake the funk and let the check linger on the table. We both know the deal. If you don't...thats our LAST date. If you don't have the funds to pay for both of us...we coulda done something else...like a walk in the park, go to a museum, the zoo..I mean really. If someone ever tries to pull that "I guess we'll be splitting this" shit on me Ima be like o ok hun, lemme go get my wallet from the car. Guess you'll be washing dishes nyucca!

Dating Is Sooo...Overrated

Dating in general is fun, but its the first dates that suck in my opinion. I believe that the awkwardness comes from not knowing each other and therein not knowing what to expect from the other party. For example, you go on a movie date. You both walk up to the door at the same pace, who will open the door? Will he be a gentleman and get all the doors (including car doors if he pickin me up)...or just wait on me to open them? Then you walk up to the ticket counter, will he ask for one ticket...or two. (He better ask for two...or I'm leaving! lol) Then inside the theater, will he just sit there and watch the movie, like he should. Or try to make moves on you the WHOLE time...ughhhh...hate when a man tries that shit on the first date. I do not want you to lift the arm rest so we can get closer...thats for BJs (boo joints) and boyfriends...not for you hun. Worst of all my movie pet peeves, hand holding. ODG (oh dear god) hand holding is for couples...and not to mention usually makes our hands sweaty...so get off!! To paraphrase for the slower readers: NO PDA on the FIRST date. I'm still single, and may be scoping someone else if you're lame...and the hand holding will def be a cock block. LMAO But really tho, those things mentioned are AWKWARD moments that I wish could be skipped all together. Now example 2, a dinner date. How awkward is it when you're trying to eat, and the other person keeps yapping at you...like not normal convo but straight rambling about themselves. OMG just stfu and eat your burger dude, its getting cold and I'm getting bored! lol I mean if its a good convo, I wont complain, but nothing urks me more than a self-important jerk who just yaps about himself the whole meal, I dont really care that much about what you do to spend an hour hearing about it. Then how about the food on face awkward moment, where you or the other person has a huge piece of food on their face and has no idea. lol EMBARESSING. Then the check comes...DUN DUN DUN...and ofcourse the guy looks at you a few times...its like is he gonna just pay for it, or is he looking at me waiting for me to offer to pay...because he'll be waiting a long time...bc I def wont. HAHA...I'm being real...a man wants to take a woman out...it should be a given that he will be paying for the date whether its dinner or a movie, etc. Gray area...when a girl asks a guy out...that could go either way. Honestly sometimes I'm scared to go on a date with a guy, for fear of discovering that he's whack. Its pretty hard to enjoy a 2hr long movie with someone who is constantly talking to you during the movie or tryna cuddle. A friend of mine actually had that happen to her and just got up and sat in a different row from the guy. LMAOOOOOO Harsh but real, a dinner or movie date does not equal a hook up. We are women, not prostitutes.

So yeah, first dates are EXTREMELY awkward, but they can still be good overrall. And there are only two results that can come about after that, you discover you're out with a LAME and cut all ties, or everything goes uphill...

What Makes For A Good Man? If No One Is Perfect, Can There Possibly Be Such A Thing As The Perfect Man?

I, like many other women, have this vision in my head of what I want in a man. I want him to have many of the qualities that my father has and to also be compatible with me. I am a single woman, because it seems as though my standards are too high...now my girls always tell me not to settle, and I won't...but in reality isn't anyone you end up with going to be below your standards somehow, because standards in general can be a bit unrealistic. We can not expect every man to be perfect. Humans are imperfect by nature...where do we draw the line as to what is acceptable and what is not? If I had to name my top ten qualities that I would like to find in a man I date, they would be (in no particular order):

1. Honest, 2. Trust-worthy, 3. Faithful, 4. Attractive, 5. Good Sense of Humor, 6. Good Manners, 7. Good Hygiene, 8. Romantic, 9. Thoughtful, 10. Good in Bed (even though, if he's not...that may be something that can be improved on, keyword MAY.)

I feel like those qualities are not too much to ask for. But, then come the superficial standards. These are the standards that I have that can be a bit harder to comply with. Like he has to be in school or have a degree. If not, at least have a career. It is also important that he is good with his money and doesn't spend his paycheck and end up asking his mama for money for his rent. Ugh. He also must have the three necessaries: a car, a cellphone, and a job. If you don't have the three listed...its a major dent in your chances. I'm saying this because these are things that I have. I don't want anyone who doesn't have at least what I have, if not more. First of all, and my biggest pet peeve, is when a man asks me to come see him. I will not get in my car and go see or pick up a man with/without a car. That is your job as a man to have a vehicle, or transporation, and if you want to see me or take me out, use it to accomplish that. I honestly don't feel like thats too much to ask. Now if your cell phone is turned off for a little while or you just lost your job, that gives you a little room. I can be understanding about that. But my thing is if you don't work and can't take me out...and you have some groceries in your fridge, make us dinner. Another plus is if you live on your own, I love an independent man. I don't want to call your mama's house and ask to speak to so and so. smh. Especially at this age. Another drawback, a man with a child or children. I am not going to apologize for this, I do not and I repeat DO NOT want to date a man with a child. Especially one who doesn't take care of his children. It's such a drag and a burden on me to have to settle for my child, if we get married, to be my first and your second or third. No thanks. I want a man with no bones in his closet and no ghosts in his past. Is that too much to ask? SHIT!

So back to the big question. What makes for a good man? Is a man still a good man if he treats you great, romances you, is thoughtful, and sweet but cheats on you? He's only missing one trait. A lot of people will say no, but they themselves have overlooked some characteristics in the men they love that go completely against what it is they want in a man. I guess some qualities weigh more heavily than others, but in my opinion a cheater could never be considered a good man. I personally think that a good man, can only be one that has the majority of the qualities you want in a man. If you are impatient...then by all means settle...I choose to wait, I'd rather be alone than unhappy. :)

Thug vs. Prince Charming: Who is Mr. Right?

DISCLAIMER: Let me be the first to say that there is nothing wrong with liking a thug or being married to one...to each his own.

Everyone knows what a thug is, the one I chose to display is Gucci Mane. He definitely fits the bill. He is what most of us picture when they think of a thug. Bodies covered with an unnecessary amount of tattoos, bandanas, jeans that hang dangerously low, the need to have the freshest sneakers/clothes/jewlery but can't pay their rent/child support/car note/etc. Tough act, expressionless face, follows a set of guidelines that no one knows but other thugs. And if they are not already in the music industry...they are thinking of some hair-brained scheme to get in it...UGH!! As you can probably tell by now, I personally don't like thugs. Plain and simple. Thugs are to most women what hoochies are to most men. They look good, might be fun to sleep with...but I could never see myself wifing one. How many thugs do you know with a legitimate job? How about good credit? No kids? A 5-year plan? Exactly. So...you may be wondering, what do I like in my prince charming?

Well I would defnitely choose a suit and fresh cut, shaven/groomed facial hair over the dreads/corn rows/and fros in the sean john sweat suit. A man that cares how he looks, smells, and is perceived by others. All those tattoos can not make you look hirable to a future employer. So a man with a few tatts that can be covered with a dress shirt or polo is favorable. But, thats just the exterior. On the interior I want manners, says "yes ma'am" to his mama, opens doors, pulls out chairs...covers his mouth when he burps. Definitely NEVER farts around me, take that shit to the bathroom!!...gross and will demote you to someone who will never be wifed, please believe. Also, the ideal man takes a woman out and offers to pay. Even if its only one time, letting a woman know she is worth something as precious as your hard-earned money will make her see how self-less you are. No one likes a selfish man...and if you don't have money to take a woman out...cook for her...something! A man that only puts his hands on you to make you feel good or rubs your feet, and back and doesn't ask for anything in return. A man who makes sure a women is enjoying sex and receives pleasure. A man who gets his and rolls over or doesn't care to last until the woman gets hers like its some sort of race is definitely not worth the time...man, ladies don't we hate that!!! Not to mention the most important characteristic of a potential man...we can introduce you to our parents and they will like you, because if my dad and mom don't like you...you're out the door!

If you fit the category of thug and are proud...do you by all means, some women will settle for that...just don't bring that shit around me, because I refuse to. If I do talk to a thug its nothing but temporary, he's Mr. Right Now and I am still gonna be looking for my potential Mr. Right. You know what they say, there are those you practice with and those you practice for. :)

To Love Is To Live...Is Love Dead? Because if so, so are we.

Love...its been talked about for ages. But can anyone truly form a universal definition for it? I know I can't. Sometimes love can be perfect, abusive, one-sided, withstand the test of time and sometimes love even fades. What happened to Love being normal? Nowadays sex comes first and love happens eventually. (Totally backwards) And there is also this notion that sex can be executed with *NO STRINGS ATTACHED* or *WITHOUT CATCHING FEELINGS*. Another result of the over availability of casual sex (we can blame that on the ladies who don't make men wait [refer to my blog on making em wait].) Really, I don't feel like I could have sex with someone and not feel some sort of way about them emotionally. Can't speak for the sluts though lol. But really whats wrong with Love? Love is supposed to be a wonderful thing shared by two people and its supposed to make life more enjoyable and worth living. Is the concept of true love dead? Did infidelity and casual sex kill it?

All I know is as a Libra, I'm a hopeless romantic and love makes me feel full of life. And I refuse to apologize for my feelings. If I love you...I love you...and nothing can change that. I will tell you how I feel every chance I get, because life is too short. I don't care if its too early, or even if feelings weren't supposed to have been caught. I refuse to apologize for Love. Its the air in my lungs, its the blood in my veins, its a part of me. I love like I've never been hurt and give my all. :)