Why is it that sometimes dating can feel like you are walking on ice? I see myself as an independent woman, that can do for herself and is fine being alone. But, once someone special comes along...something inside changes. I feel like they become my world. My mood depends on if I've heard from them/seen them that day. I miss them, and wonder what they are up to...the usual. But, the part that I don't think is normal...is that I constantly worry that they will leave me. Why do I have these abandonment issues? Must be a result of the past pain I've endured when I have let someone in emotionally. I have yet to discover what it is about me that scares people away once I fall. Maybe they weren't ready, maybe I changed, maybe it's something else altogether. Either way, as I fall...I feel as though I am walking on thin ice. Like at any moment, I could lose this person. After being single for so long, I have lost confidence in my ability to keep a man and to secure a relationship with one. I get scared that I'll let my walls down, be myself, and end up alone again. Which isn't the worst thing in the world...but, to be alone after knowing what it feels like to be with someone else is a difficult adjustment. I feel myself getting anxious as we get closer. Feeling controlling. Not wanting my love interest to go out, wanting them to constantly check in. All of this is going on behind the scenes in my head, and the guy has no idea. But, the question is why am I so insecure? I have many qualities, and feel as though I am a great catch...so why do I fear so greatly that he won't notice? Probably, because the past is such a hard thing to get past. I have seen someone go from thinking that I am the best thing since sliced bread, to not giving a fuck about me and hanging up the phone in my ear. That decline was more devastating than the relationship itself ending. When you think someone is sooooo amazing, you fear that someone else will come along and take them away from you. The thought alone of losing this person that you've waited so long for...saddens me deeply. How am I supposed to feel safe leaving a $100 bill on the ground? It's value is obvious to all that see it, and the chance that they'll want to pick it up for themselves is high. I don't like feeling like everyone is out to get me. I also, don't like feeling jealous and possesive unnecessarily. I just pray that God takes this insecurity away from me and instead gives me a feeling of peace. Peace of mind in knowing that if God has this man in mind for me, he will only be for me. I won't worry myself about if he will lose interest, find someone better, or even if he cheats when we do get together. I need to realize that I myself am a $100 bill too, and that perhaps he is equally afraid to lose me. He just happens to trust me. Trust is a funny thing...you trust too many people and you're naive and susceptible to hurt....you trust too few people, you are paranoid. Where is the middle ground? So, far actions have spoken louder than words...and they say that he only wants me. Maybe I'm not walking on ice. Maybe I am walking on layers and layers of glass. A secure foundation for me to walk on firmly and surely.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Walking On Ice
Why is it that sometimes dating can feel like you are walking on ice? I see myself as an independent woman, that can do for herself and is fine being alone. But, once someone special comes along...something inside changes. I feel like they become my world. My mood depends on if I've heard from them/seen them that day. I miss them, and wonder what they are up to...the usual. But, the part that I don't think is normal...is that I constantly worry that they will leave me. Why do I have these abandonment issues? Must be a result of the past pain I've endured when I have let someone in emotionally. I have yet to discover what it is about me that scares people away once I fall. Maybe they weren't ready, maybe I changed, maybe it's something else altogether. Either way, as I fall...I feel as though I am walking on thin ice. Like at any moment, I could lose this person. After being single for so long, I have lost confidence in my ability to keep a man and to secure a relationship with one. I get scared that I'll let my walls down, be myself, and end up alone again. Which isn't the worst thing in the world...but, to be alone after knowing what it feels like to be with someone else is a difficult adjustment. I feel myself getting anxious as we get closer. Feeling controlling. Not wanting my love interest to go out, wanting them to constantly check in. All of this is going on behind the scenes in my head, and the guy has no idea. But, the question is why am I so insecure? I have many qualities, and feel as though I am a great catch...so why do I fear so greatly that he won't notice? Probably, because the past is such a hard thing to get past. I have seen someone go from thinking that I am the best thing since sliced bread, to not giving a fuck about me and hanging up the phone in my ear. That decline was more devastating than the relationship itself ending. When you think someone is sooooo amazing, you fear that someone else will come along and take them away from you. The thought alone of losing this person that you've waited so long for...saddens me deeply. How am I supposed to feel safe leaving a $100 bill on the ground? It's value is obvious to all that see it, and the chance that they'll want to pick it up for themselves is high. I don't like feeling like everyone is out to get me. I also, don't like feeling jealous and possesive unnecessarily. I just pray that God takes this insecurity away from me and instead gives me a feeling of peace. Peace of mind in knowing that if God has this man in mind for me, he will only be for me. I won't worry myself about if he will lose interest, find someone better, or even if he cheats when we do get together. I need to realize that I myself am a $100 bill too, and that perhaps he is equally afraid to lose me. He just happens to trust me. Trust is a funny thing...you trust too many people and you're naive and susceptible to hurt....you trust too few people, you are paranoid. Where is the middle ground? So, far actions have spoken louder than words...and they say that he only wants me. Maybe I'm not walking on ice. Maybe I am walking on layers and layers of glass. A secure foundation for me to walk on firmly and surely.
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