When Did Women Start Courting Men?

For as long as I have been living on God's green earth, it has been stressed to me by my parents that I am a woman deserving of the best treatment and respect. I expect a man to treat me accordingly and to behave as a gentleman. I am also familiar with the different roles each gender is expected to play. The man is expected to romance a woman, sweep her off of her feet, if you will, and express his interest to her until she gives in and reciprocates those same feelings of romance. But, what throws me off, is that some woman totally disregard those roles and take on the role of the man. They won't let a man pay for them, they cook for a man that hasn't even taken them out on a date yet, and spend money on them. I am tired of seeing women tricking on men. Like seriously, if chivalry is dead, y'all the ones that killed it. Why would a man feel the need to take you out and treat you how he is supposed to if you are giving him an easy way out? By not allowing a man to fulfill his role, you are keeping him from being a man. Only a weak and prideless man would allow a woman to pay for him wherever they go. But, women are at fault too, can't blame a man for taking advantage of your foolishness. #1 no no: Offering/agreeing to go see a man at his house for a first date is not the way to start a serious love affair. You are burning up your gas, and he is not contributing anything financially. Not to mention the fact that going over his house gives him a shorter and faster route to THE GOODs. Another thing that really urks me to see, is a woman that will pay for not only her own food/drink (which I refuse to do, make that man work!), but will also pay for the man?! *I just threw up in my mouth at the thought* That's no no # 2. How you start the arrangement off, sets the tone for how things will go from then on. If you were chillin' at his crib watching tv, and paying for y'all food...don't expect him to wake up one day and take you out to the Cheesecake Factory for a fancy dinner on his dime. Because it ain't happening! There is no reason for a woman to "court" a man. You should not be in the kitchen slaving for a man that you barely know, in exchange for his affection. We should be in control of the relationship. Let the man be a man and court you. Let him take you out, treat you to dinner, and show you a good time. We are worth a man that will put in work to have us all to himself. Stop spending up all your money on a man that isn't doing his part. You will just end up broke and alone.

Is Sex Mandatory In A Modern Day Relationship?

This blog is a follow up to another blog I wrote called: Can You Have A Relationship Without Sex? I was just reading Glamour magazine, when I realized that even magazines are influencing the importance of sex in modern day relationships. As a woman there are few magazine options that I can relate to. I cannot relate to the fashion magazines, because I do not care about fashion that much to go through 100s of pages of nothing but clothes. Next there are housekeeping magazines, I am too young to care about how to decorate my house or how to make a quick meal for the kids after a long day at work. Then, there are Bride magazines, which might as well just be considered a fashion mag, because they are nothing but a wedding dress catalogue. So I gravitate towards magazines like Glamour and Cosmopolitan, because for the most part, they get me. They show helpful skincare tips, a little bit of up to date fashion, and even stories that range from funny to tear-jerking. Most of their tips are almost always on point too, I love how much they care about healthy eating and exercise. Overall they are great magazines, and that is why I have been purchasing them for so many years. But I had an epiphany today, these magazines are written to appeal to a reader that is sexually active. Let me tell you why I believe this. Here are a few article titles in this month's issue of Glamour (pictured above): "Katy Perry Shares Her Sex Confidence Tips", "101 Things No One Tells You About Guys: Their Sex Desires, Their Body Hang-ups And The Real Reason They Cheat", "52 Things He's Really Thinking About You. (Which include subcategories like: 7 Things He's Thinking When You Try A New Move In Bed, 7 Things He's Thinking When You're Naked, 4 Things He's Thinking When You Watch Porn With Him)" And this is actually the milder magazine, Cosmopolitan's February 2010 issue has sex all over its new cover! Here a few article titles from their new cover: "99 Sex Moves: Sweet and Slow, Quick and Dirty, and Everything In Between.", "The Hour Men Crave Sex Most", "Unleash Your Cheeks!: Why Guys Stopped Loving The Thong." The sad part is that there are probably several more sex stories in Cosmo, if that much sex is on the cover. So what are these magazines trying to say? The audience, in my opinion, for this magazine ranges from the ages of 18-35. Which is a wide range of ages, but why assume that ALL of these women are sexually active? Why put the pressure on young people to have sex? This is the Valentine's Day issue too. Are they saying that the only way to celebrate Valentine's Day with your significant other is in bed wearing racy lingerie and trying new sex moves on your man? If woman's magazine's are this biased about sex, I'd hate to pick up a men's magazine. Their covers are raunchy enough.

Magazines, media, friends, many influences in our lives tell us that sex is a mandatory or socially accepted part of relationships. But, sex is not mandatory. You are not weird for being a virgin, or celibate and wanting to wait until marriage. That is your personal choice, and that should not make a person feel like they are less of a good pick for respecting themselves or their religion that much, or simply not being ready. Do not let the pressures outside of your relationships affect your relationships.

Love Induced PTSD

Sooo...I was just on Twitter when RevRunWisdom tweeted "Ladies::: If want a mate.. Don't build walls,, Build bridges.." That is so much easier said than done. It is not that easy to forget the pain you've suffered. I am shell-shocked! So its only natural that I have my defenses up. It is so much easier to scare people away, and cut them off at the first red flag than it is to truly let yourself fall for someone. I am afraid. I am not ashamed to say it. I am afraid to relive the near death I felt when my last relationship ended. I am scared to love someone and have them hurt me. To lay in bed crying, and wake up everyday feeling like throwing up. It took a lot of strength to get over it, I don't think that I have it in me to go through it again. I don't deserve it!

No woman deserves it. So it is only natural that we build up our defenses in order to protect our hearts. What is wrong with a woman wanting to be secure in a man/romantic situation before she gives a man her heart? Isn't that the way it should be? I don't want to be misunderstood, I am not saying that a woman should punish every single man for the mistakes of other, but she must be cautious. Most dogs have the same ol' tricks...I feel as though the right man will be able to break through those walls and rebuild them around the both of you.

Working-Mom=Oxymoron?

My cousin Rahwa and I were discussing children yesterday while eating at Chili's. I told her that I had an epiphany...I don't really like the idea of having children. The older I get, the less I feel a desire to follow norms and become a mother. I told her that all I am thinking about is my career and that I don't see children fitting into my overall lifeplan. I think its ignorant of people to call a person selfish for not wanting to have children. It is a personal choice, and has nothing to do with anyone but the couple. Who am I hurting by not wanting to have children? Exactly! No one. I plan to accelerate in my career once I complete my education. I do not want to be a housewife, I did not go to school, and take out all those loans, to just sit at home and change diapers all day. I guess some people will not be able to understand my point of view, because it is seemingly unnatural to not want children, seeing as we were put on this earth to be fruitful and multipy. But, I do not want to have a child as a compromise to my husband (if I even get married) and then live to regret it. Being a parent is a full-time job in its self. I do not want to bring a child into this world if I cannot give them the same love and attention that my parents gave me growing up. I want to be able to travel & see the world without worrying. I want to come home to peace and quiet after a long work day. This may just be a phase, so I cannot say this is my final decision. My cousin Rahwa said to me how she can't even imagine herself as a mother, because she can't even imagine herself married. I agree. I feel as though, to see myself in that situation. I need to actually be in a committed relationship that is stable financially and emotionally. I definitely love babies, they are cute as a button...but to have one full-time? And how about the fact that they grow up and start talking...

Lingerie: Sexy or Skanky?

Lingerie. It is feminine, soft, and makes a woman feel sexy. Lingerie signifies every good girl's *naughty side*. Many women's magazines encourage women to wear lingerie. These magazines (eg: Glamour, Cosmopolitan) say that men love lingerie, reenforcing our own preconceptions of what turns the opposite sex on. Cosmopolitan even occasionally shows different types of lingerie and tells which lingerie is the most flattering for each body type. I like that they do that, it lets regular women know that they don't have to look like a VS angel to look and feel sexy in lingerie. But now, there is a question on my mind...what do men REALLY think of lingerie?

I personally have never owned any lingerie, but I did have an X-boyfriend that thought lingerie was a bit much and didn't want me to invest in it. Every time I brought it up, he seemed disinterested. And the other day, when I asked my followers on Twitter (www.twitter.com/iWearThePants87) one of them said they prefer their woman naked, and did not care much for lingerie. This goes against everything we are being told about men. We are sent subliminal messages by magazines, television, movies, etc. that lingerie is considered a treat and that it drives men wild. Do men think that lingerie is skanky? Are men threatened by a woman that already owns lingerie? Does it make men wonder how many men she has worn it for before? To be continued...

Single With Nowhere To Mingle

I remember back in high school, everywhere you went you could meet someone. At the mall, at school, walking down the street, or even at home in an AIM chat with your friends. Now, in my 20s it feels damn near impossible to meet someone, especially of substance. Clubs & bars seem to be the hot spot for someone looking for hook ups or a few dinner dates, but nothing serious. Been there, done that! Where does a person meet someone outside of clubs & bars? I find myself spending a lot of time wondering, where could I meet someone? I don't work, I just go to school full-time. So I can't meet someone at work. The pickings at school are slim to none (closer to none than slim). Occasionally I do find myself going over to a friend's house for get togethers and I meet people, but I feel as though I cannot date them b/c if it doesn't work I will have to see them again over there. I thought I was the only one having problems meeting men, but a friend of mine brought it up to me last night that she had the same problems. I realize that the only places I go outside of school are the grocery store, blockbuster, out to eat, and the mall. Now I've heard many stories of how you could meet a man at the grocery store, but thats so far-fetched. The only man I talk to in a grocery store is the cashier, and I don't want a middle aged man that rings up produce all day lol. Second location, blockbuster, could have some possibilities. But, then again how many times have you seen a hot guy there on a friday night? They must just buy movies from best buy or something lol. Third location, out to eat. Unless a bunch of guys go out to eat together, its a slim chance that you'll meet a hot guy unless you are in the bar section during game night. Seems like guys mostly go out to the movies & dinner when they are on dates with other chicks. Lastly, the mall. I have never met a man in the mall, even when I worked there. I guess the only solutions are to join a local gym, or start a new hobby like horseback riding, or meet a guy through your friends.

Is Sex the new Love?

Being a single woman I do realize that being single not only comes with the cravings of companionship, but also with another sort of painful suffering. Suffering that comes from hungering for sex and intimacy. This hunger, is too strong for even the most nimble fingers or powerful vibrator to satisfy. You, as any normal human being does, WANT TO GET LAID. There are many judgmental people in the world, and your friends may be some of them, that frown upon casual sex. But, everyone is different and it may be the answer. What works for them, may not be working for you. If all you want is sex, and cannot keep holding out for Mr. Right, then go for it. The question is, however, can sex serve as a substitute for Love? Can one TRULY be satisfied with sex and no longer crave love? I believe that it depends on the partner. If your sex partner is affectionate, attentive, and cuddles with you...it could be quite pleasant, there wouldn't be a feeling as though something more were missing. That is of course if you like that sort of thing. There are many women who are not in relationships that just want sex with no strings attached. They want hot meaningless sex without the cuddling or kissing, just a fix to get them through their love dry spell. I definitely don't blame them either. You never know when or even whether you will find love, so why go on punishing yourself? There is a downside though, you may still get your heartbroken. Sex can end up making you feel used if done with the wrong person, and may make you feel even lonelier. Sex could also lower your self esteem. if you are depending on your partner for validation of your self-worth. Sex is very intimate and though some people can keep a stronghold on their feelings, many people find themselves unable to fight the feelings that grow inside of them for their partner. So please proceed with caution. On the bright side: Who knows, your partner may end up being your next relationship. You never know ;)

Mr. Ambitionless

I've met too many of these men in my life. Men who lack ambition and goals and are totally complacent in their situation. These are the men who live with their parents with no plans of getting their own place. The men who work at the dead-end jobs with no plans to move up. Last but not least: the men who do not have a degree, do not go to college and have no plans of doing so. I am a woman who is well on my way to finishing up my undergrad and plan to pursue law school. Why on earth would I wanna be with a bum that flips burgers while living with his mama and is happy doing so? What kind of future would we have? I need a man by my side that is as ambitious as me so that we can motivate eachother to succeed. It would be different if I was in the same boat as these men and had only a highschool education and worked at Wal-Mart or something but I don't. So I don't have to tolerate that, because there really is no purpose in me falling in love with a man that does not have the means to give me what I want out of life. I am striving to get these degrees so that I can be as successful as possible to make a comfortable life for myself, my children, and my parents/siblings. I am not working this hard for someone to come in and enjoy the benefits of my blood, sweat, and tears when they are only contributing 1/3 or a 1/4 of my income. B/c with those numbers...I would be better off living alone, because my income is going to be alot for a single person but isn't enough if I have to share my income with someone making considerably less. If you cannot carry your weight, don't get mad at me. Be mad at yourself for not being on my level.

Unspoken Rules & Expectations

I'm sure that I am not the only woman that has a set of rules instilled in her head before she even talks to any man. These rules are things that a woman will not tolerate or deal with from a man that she is dating. Granted men are not mind readers and therefore will break a few rules here and there unintentionally, but in reality some of the rules are common sensical. I will post a couple of my rules as an example (in no specific order):

1. Do not stand me up. If you cannot make it, tell me as soon as you know so that I can plan my evening accordingly. If you couldn't call me because of some crazy situation, I can be understanding if you contact me as soon as a phone is available to you and the first thing you do is apologize to me and try to do something to make it up to me. That shows you respect my time. However if you call me acting like nothing happened, that will get you fussed out.
2. Do not try to come to the crib as our "first date". Take me out somewhere. It doesn't have to be the boring old dinner & a movie either...be creative. I really don't like dudes coming to my crib, b/c they dunno how to act around a bed...which leads me to #3
   
3. Do not, I repeat DO NOT try to have sex with me the first few times you come over to my apartment. That is disrespectful on so many levels. That is a turnoff and will make me think that all you want me for is sex, and I aint sticking around for that! Some men will say that all men will try, and you can't fault em but I disagree. Because if you wanted to wife me you wouldn't have to rush sex, b/c you aint plannin on going anywhere. Am I right? Also, if you get mad when I give u a no when u start to try something, you are DEFINITELY not a keeper. U lucky I told u then...instead of when it REALLY got hot & heavy. Because I don't owe u squat.
   
4. Do not tell me you will call me RIGHT back or in however many minutes and then not do it. I won't say anything the first few times, but really it is inconsiderate and will eventually earn you a fuss out. Bottom line do not say you will call me back at a certain time unless you plan to.

That's really all I can think of right now that really urks me. You would think that it is common sense, but clearly it is not. Ofcourse, I have some expectations that are not really common sensical, therefore I do not hold it against a man, but it will make me unsatisfied to not have it. I love romance, its in a Libra's nature. I love the roses, the chocolates, the sweet cards, and what not. I believe I deserve to be courted regardless of this being 2009, chivalry is not dead. I think that its just that the chivalrous men are holding out for someone worth their chivalry, i.e. ME! I am optimistic in the fact that the suffering I am doing now in this lover's bootcamp is temporary and I will be rewarded with a good man who knows all the rules before I tell him and doesn't need to be guided through romance...he wants to do it on his own and thinks it all up himself. Thats what I'm holding out for.

Where They Do That At?!?!

Wow so apparently there are men that exist that invite women out to dates and then pull a switcheroo. I am talking about begging to take you out and then when the check comes decide to split it or even ask you to cover them. WHERE THE HELL DO THEY DO THAT AT? I have never had this happened to me personally, but that is pretty damn trifiling. Let me explain the logic of it. How are you takin me out if you neither pick me up or pay for my food? As my cousin Rahwa put it, why not just call it a meeting if you don't plan on treating, because that aint a date! If I am going to a movie or a dinner that I wouldn't have otherwise gone to if you hadn't invited me, why would I want to pay for it? I woulda been better off just stayin home. To be real. Straight up, fellas aint gon like this but I DON'T CARE! A true gentleman takes a woman out on a date with the intentions of paying, no need to fake the funk and let the check linger on the table. We both know the deal. If you don't...thats our LAST date. If you don't have the funds to pay for both of us...we coulda done something else...like a walk in the park, go to a museum, the zoo..I mean really. If someone ever tries to pull that "I guess we'll be splitting this" shit on me Ima be like o ok hun, lemme go get my wallet from the car. Guess you'll be washing dishes nyucca!